Bitch in a BoxHostile Gifts 2019

Photo credit: HUMAN, Etsy

Our yearly hostile gift guide has become my favorite Bitch tradition. Started in 2013 by former executive director Julie Falk, I am honored to be taking up the Mantle of Petty in 2019. Originally intended to offer suggestions that would baffle and perplex the recipient (like the instant classic “incomplete set of dishes” gift), I think this year’s hostility calls for something a little less subtle as we kiss this garbage year goodbye. So if you’ve got some aggression you need to get out of your system before you commence your new year’s self-improvement kick, allow me to be your snarky guide.

An Avocado A Day: More than 70 Recipes for Enjoying Nature's Most Delicious Superfood
{ Lara Ferroni }

Show that boomer that they too can happily drive themselves into financial ruin with the help of this superfood—and there are so many more options beyond toast! A lifetime of crippling debt never tasted so good.

Rose Gold Stapler with Staples
{ ASAMIJapan/Etsy }

Because while they may not know what the hell is going on when they unwrap this office essential—it is made out of rose gold, which is Trendy and Cool™!—so they really can’t tell you a damn thing. Just be sure to make eye contact while they unwrap their gift to watch the exact moment they bite their tongue.

Custom Pillows
{ Vistaprint }

Nothing throws someone off more than a gift that implies that it should be publicly displayed in one’s home. It’s not outright hostile, since you’re technically giving them something they’ve shown a tangential interest in. Bonus: This hostile gift is one that keeps on giving as you watch your recipient squirm every time you tell them you’re coming over in 2020.

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Die Hard Trilogy VHS Box Set
{ Ebay }

Honestly, which movie you pick doesn’t even matter. You can go with the Die Hard trilogy here, or this Harry Potter set made all the more hostile by the fact that it only includes movies one through three. The real joy is watching folks attempt to explain that they don’t own a VCR while pretending that you can’t possibly imagine why. Try returning this one, dad!

Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Julian Castro
{ Shop Elizabeth Warren, Shop Bernie Sanders, Shop Julian for the Future }

If you’ve got any GOP fans left in your radius in the year of our lord 2019, we’re way past the point of hostile. It’s time for outright combative tactics, which makes this group gift the perfect bonding activity with your more lucid family members. I came up with this in a group text with my cousins (shout out to the Miami crew) but the parameters are simple enough: Gather between five and 10 accomplices, get a campaign tee from a different Democratic presidential hopeful for each of you to don during a large, and preferably high-stakes family occasion, like say, Christmas dinner (or Noche Buena, in our case). Not only will words like “Warren,” “Sanders,” and “Castro” strike fear and agitation into their withered hearts, but you also get to deliver the double whammy of being wildly underdressed for a formal family affair! Your grandma will love it.

There’s more…

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by Soraya Membreno
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Soraya Membreno is a daughter of Nicaraguan immigrants and a pre-Lebron Miami native. She is a poet, essayist, and editor. Her writing has appeared in CatapultPost No Ills, and The Racial Imaginary: Writers on Race in the Life of the Mind. She is the Director of Community at Bitch Media.