Douchebag Decree: Possible Trump Rival David French

Ever since it first became a real-life possibility that Donald J. Trump would become the Republican Party’s presidential nominee, some #NeverTrump conservatives have tossed around the idea of running a third-party candidate. For a while, this hypothetical third-party candidate was Michael Bloomberg, but he was not actually interested in running at all, and their hopes and dreams were dashed.

But then, over Memorial Day weekend, Bill Kristol, the neoconservative founder of the Weekly Standard, tweeted, “Just a heads up over this holiday weekend: There will be an independent candidate—an impressive one, with a strong team and a real chance.”  Naturally, the nation was on tenterhooks. At least the part of the nation that pays attention to Bill Kristol. Maybe.  

And boy, does the former chief of staff to Dan Quayle and the William R. Wilkerson to Sarah Palin’s soda-sipping Lana Turner ever know how to pick ‘em!

His choice? Well, according to Mark Halperin and John Heilemann of Bloomberg, it is National Review blogger, veteran, and tea party lawyer David French! Whom literally no one had any opinions on before yesterday, because no one actually knew who he was! Ta-da!

Now, you would think that in order to really compete against Trump, he would pick someone who was slightly less obvious about being a giant douchebag. You would think, perhaps, that he might even pick someone who had some likelihood of reeling in the ladies by virtue of being a person who doesn’t have horrifying opinions about women. BUT OH, HOW WRONG YOU WOULD BE!

As it turns out, this David French character is actually just as bad as Trump re: the ladies,—just in a slightly different way. In fact, he too wants to Make America Great Again, but he is more specific about when that past greatness occurred, and it was before feminism came along and ruined everything!

An actual headline by David French.

French, being a man, knows that women are doing feminism all wrong, and that it is “less a true ‘women’s movement’ than the public face of hysterical leftist intolerance—combined, of course, with utterly bizarre (and bizarrely stupid) ideas.” Ideas like letting women serve in combat positions in the military, which is a thing French thinks will “endanger” lives. Also, ideas like having awesome, immoral sex all the time:

“Indulging in sexual desire without considering the underlying virtue of the relationship or the morality of the desire itself is a recipe for human suffering—leading to the paradox where many of the most sexually-active people are the most heartbroken and most lonely.

For those who understand biblical truth, the notion of slavery to sin is hardly new—and it turns out that redefining sin as freedom doesn’t make the slavery or sorrow any less real.”

He is also, I guess, a psychic who knows exactly how people feel when they have sex he doesn’t approve of! He knows they are sad!

       Read This Next: Can Voters of Color Truly Get Excited About Bernie or Hillary?
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Another idea French did not so much cotton to was the idea of his wife, Nancy, literally doing anything other than pining for him during his deployment to Iraq. The couple wrote about the totally normal guidelines for her behavior in their book Home and Away, which was later paraphrased in a National Review article by Kathryn Jean Lopez:

“Before David left for Iraq, he and Nancy put together rules, in a painfully honest conversation about human frailty. There would be no drinking during the year of separation. Nancy would not ‘have phone conversations with men, or meaningful e-mail exchanges about politics or any other subject.’ Nor would she be on Facebook, where ‘the ghosts of boyfriends past’ could contact her. When Nancy innocently started e-mailing about faith with a man associated with a radio show she was on, she told David about it, and he asked her to end the relationship. David knew, with his ‘stomach clenching,’ that ‘the most intimate conversations a person has are about life and faith’ — and that ‘spiritual and emotional intimacy frequently leads to physical intimacy.’”

As we all know, one of the clearest signs of a healthy relationship is cutting someone off from talking to other people.

French has another thing in common with Trump: He is sick and tired of all these Social Justice Warriors making him feel bad for being a white man! Like, this one time, in law school, someone said the word “white male” in a way that made him feel like they did not want to hear his opinions or views on things!

I can’t recall the first time I heard the phrase ‘white male’ hissed as if it were some form of particularly vile insult. I know it happened in law school, where it was used as a short-hand way of saying that I should be silent, that my views were not welcome. Over time, I learned that, to a certain set of people, there was something positively wrong with being white. ‘We’ were the great privileged oppressors of history. And ‘we’ were the great privileged oppressors of the present.

As if that were not cruel enough, when he was in history class, his professors kept trying to make him learn things about how historical events impacted people who were not even white men!

”Any in-depth discussion of history had to acknowledge past injustice. It was tough even to talk about, say, Omaha Beach without in the next breath acknowledging the systematic segregation in the World War II–era U.S. Army.”

And WOE WAS DAVID FRENCH. Don’t these SJWs know that this sort of behavior is tearing us apart as a nation? Why can’t they engage in unifying behavior, as French does, when he refuses to acknowledge the fact that not everyone in this country is a Christian, and, therefore, we are under no obligation to believe in his “Biblical Truths.” Or when he talks about what terrible and evil humans feminists and people on the political left are. Or when he bristles at the idea of learning history that is not even about people who look like him. Or when he says people who have abortions are exactly like the slave owners of the Old South. You know, the kind of stuff that really brings us all together!

All of this aside, I am way into this random dude running for president. He should definitely do that! And he should campaign very, very hard. Because splitting up the Republican ticket means nothing but blue skies ahead and a Supreme Court that isn’t going to take our reproductive rights away. So sure, he’s a terrible douchebag, but he also just might be our savior.

       Read This Next: Can Voters of Color Truly Get Excited About Bernie or Hillary?
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Robyn Pennacchia
by Robyn Pennacchia
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Robyn Pennacchia lives in Chicago and writes about politics and whatnot for Wonkette. Previously, she has worked as an editor at The Frisky and Death and Taxes. You can follow her on Twitter @RobynElyse.

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