Douchebag DecreeThese Fucking Jerks

In the week since the mass shooting at Stoneman Douglas High School (the 17th American school shooting this year), we’ve seen tremendously powerful and moving political action. And we’ve seen incredibly obtuse, harmful, patronizing, and downright monstrous behavior from Republicans and NRA spokespeople.

Senator Marco Rubio

Almost three million viewers were watching as the students of Stoneman Douglas High School confronted Florida Senator Marco Rubio and NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch at CNN’s Stand Up: The Students of Stoneman Douglas Demand Action town hall. The night was incredible and it was because the Stoneman Douglas community would not let up.

Host Jake Tapper announced that both President Trump and Governor Rick Scott refused to appear either in person or via satellite, meaning Rubio was the only Republican elected official who accepted the invitation to appear. Several students thanked Rubio for showing up, which is where the bar for NRA-apologists is now: Just showing up and doing the job they are paid to do, which is meeting with their constituents and community members.

Remember Robot Rubio? This town hall didn’t bring Robot Rubio back; it gave us despondent Marco who was consistently unable to read the room or stop dunking on himself. Watch this moment when Marco presented a popular solution to gun violence as a problem:

Fair enough, Marco.

NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch

After Marco made himself look bad for an hour, it was Dana’s turn.

NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch used and repeated variations of the word “crazy” to describe the people who shouldn’t have access to guns (“Insane monster,” “mentally insane,” “nuts”—who knew there were so many! She definitely has them memorized.), continually pivoting to the NRA talking point that the problem isn’t that this country is overrun with incredibly dangerous and destructive weapons that are supported by a massive lobbying group with deep pockets; it’s that the wrong people have these killing machines.

Why should 18-year-olds be able to purchase semi-automatic weapons? Dana has lots of answers: Because it’s not fair for soldiers to not be able to own weapons when they’re home. Because rape. Because when the founders wrote the words “a well-regulated militia,” they actually meant every American man and woman.

NRA executive vice president and CEO Wayne LaPierre

Also at CPAC, Wayne “Fuckface” LaPierre derided recent attempts to mobilize Americans around gun control by saying they were part of a socialist plot to “eradicate all individual freedoms.”

The NRA has a history of seizing the moments after mass shootings and declaring it not the right time to talk about any meaningful or concrete ways to stop another mass shooting from happening, and LaPierre isn’t going to treat this one any differently.

“The shameful politicization of tragedy—it’s a classic strategy, right out of the playbook of a poisonous movement,” Wayne added. “They hate the NRA They hate the Second Amendment. They hate individual freedom.”

So what should we do about school shootings? Well not gun control and certainly not an assault-weapons ban! Just like Dana did, Wayne emphasized already existing background checks as a solution and, wait for it: armed guards. Nevermind that there was an armed guard at Stoneman Douglas High School, to the NRA, the solution to any gun problem will always be more guns because that’s where their money comes from.

Fuckface LaPierre should be booed vociferously and constantly every time he appears in public to shill for the NRA in intentionally alarmist ways that always, always, always intend to translate into higher gun sales and not actual safety for children.

Fucking Donald Trump

Believe it or not, I have never issued a Douchebag Decree to Donald Trump. That’s because I often feel like his constant sins and crimes are too egregious and dangerous and have too much widespread impact to be the focus of these small but public rebukes. But this week, in addition to repeating every talking point the NRA gave him (along with their $30 million in campaign contributions), the orange monster proved how utterly morally and emotionally bankrupt he truly is.

When Donald the Terrible hosted a listening session with members of the Stoneman Douglas, Columbine, and Sandy Hook communities this week, his tiny hands clutched a note of talking points to use when addressing these grieving Americans. What did this cheat sheet remind him to say? Oh, just normal questions and expressions of empathy that Drumpf is not capable of coming up with himself, including “I hear you” and “What can we do to help you feel safe?”

Trump is so bereft of human empathy and sincerity that he needs to be shown how to fake it in front of grieving families. Do you hear me, Trump?

I doubt it. But if you do: Go fuck yourself.

by Dahlia Balcazar
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Dahlia Balcazar is a contributing editor at Bitch Media. She’s passionate about horror films, ’90s music, girl gangs, and Shirley Jackson. She is the artist formerly known as Dahlia Grossman-Heinze. You can follow her on Instagram and Twitter.

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