On July 12, 2017, a gaggle of conservative evangelical leaders gathered in the Oval Office to lay hands on Donald J. Trump. 45 bowed his head in prayer, a living, breathing vessel poised to receive the supernatural wisdom and divinity that can only be channeled by Forbes list-worthy prosperity preachers—those in need of a transactional arrangement involving a shit-ton of money, an agenda fixated on abortion and the decimation of gays, and a deliverable of votes tied up prettily in red, white, and blue. The deal: We’ll christen you “baby Christian,” treat you like a Messiah, and let you get away with anything.
No really, we mean it. Anything.
Remarkably, he who bragged, “I did try and fuck her—she was married” garnered 83 percent of the evangelical vote. The very people who trembled for years at the prospect of an anti-Christ proceeded to elect a “Great Deceiver,” a con artist able to pull the wool over the eyes with one hand, while playing a wicked game of Three-card Monte with the other.
The Bible said nothing about a tangerine coiffure. But.
The Pew Research Center shows 78 percent of white evangelicals still approve of Trump. The analyses, conducted in February and April, show three-quarters of white evangelical Protestants approve of the way Trump is handling his job as president—a rating twice as high as the general public (39 percent).
So is #NotMyPresident anointed by God? Does he possess the gifts of the Spirit?
Speaking in tongues (appearing to speak in languages unknown) might explain “covfefe” and any number of unintelligible tweets. But it hardly explains the vitriol emanating from Trump’s lips, a sewer lid opening daily to belch hate and a rhetoric that would divide us against each other.
This essay does not seek to denigrate Christians. Indeed, the King James version of the Bible (favored by evangelicals) highlights the words attributed to Jesus in red print; these are generally compassionate teachings, common to kind people of various faiths and non-faiths. What’s not to love about “Love your neighbor as yourself?”
In their political endorsements, however, the frauds promote little, if any, of the sentiment of the one they claim to follow. How dangerous is their influence? Let the record show that on the night of Wednesday, August 9, after Trump’s terrifying “fire and fury” provocation toward North Korea, @POTUS adviser and perpetrator pastor Robert Jeffress issued a statement: “God has given Trump authority to take out Kim Jong Un.”
New Yorkers scrambled for vintage “Duck and Cover” manuals and social media went aflame as citizens shared angst and photos of last meals (typically M&M’s). And as the threat of nuclear annihilation loomed, the Dallas minister aided and abetted the prospect of a Hiroshima repeat, when he got on the hotline to the White House (Fox News) to assert that Trump had “moral authority to use whatever force necessary, including assassination or even war.”
Even the Vatican has condemned American Evangelicals, for promoting a “xenophobic and Islamophobic vision that wants walls and purifying deportations.” The chilling agenda, for which Trump serves as conduit, is also a point of contention for a vocal minority within the fundamentalist community itself: followers of Jesus who harbor no hate, but genuinely try to reflect a positive light in the world, through prayer, good works and a sprinkling of grace.
Let us then draw from the Book of Matthew and begin the work of separating the wheat from the chaff: “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits.”
Hypocrites of the highest order, you’re on notice.
1. Dr. Robert Jeffress—Southern Baptist evangelical pastor, TV/Radio Host
- Talent: accordion
- Loves Trump, hates Oprah (“tool of Satan”)
- Would he vote for a presidential candidate that embodies the views of Jesus and the Sermon on the Mount? “Heck no. I would run from that candidate as far as possible.”
- Pet project: $130 million church complex with IMAX screen as wide as DFW Airport runway (good for watching Fox News re-runs of himself, gushing over a failing president with Lou Dobbs
- True story: refused to return Heather Has Two Mommies and Daddy’s Roommate to the Wichita Falls public library.
- Tweet: To @POTUS: “Evangelicals continue to enthusiastically support your tremendous leadership!”
2. Pat Robertson—Media mogul, Christian Broadcasting Network
- Net worth: estimated $100 million
- Age: 82
- Achievements: founded the Christian Coalition; hosted 700 Club; and conceived first son out of wedlock
- Prophecy: “God came to me in a dream…and showed me the future…He took me to heaven and I saw Donald Trump seated at the right hand of our Lord.”
- Promoted Trump because a “feminist” in the White House would have been much more dangerous than a narcissistic thrice-married pussy-grabbing cognitively impaired (catch breath!) pathological liar with access to nuclear codes.
- Marital advice to insecure husband: “Become a Muslim, and you could beat her… he can’t let her get away with this stuff…I don’t think we condone wife-beating these days, BUT…”
- Famous last words, to Trump: “Would you make a pledge not to lie to the American people?” Trump: “Oh I think it’s a great pledge
3. Jerry Falwell, Jr.—Liberty University president, “Influential white evangelical Christian leader”
- Father: Moral Majority founder Jerry Falwell
- Ordination: none
- Favorite cabinet appointments: Rex Tillerson & Scott Pruitt (because nothing says loving God’s creation like profiting off its destruction)
- On gun control: “If more good people had concealed-carry permits, then we could end those Muslims…”
- Weapon of choice: the gun “in my back pocket right now.”
- Would he support a candidate accused of touching women inappropriately? “I can’t answer a hypothetical.”
- Noteworthy: one of the first major evangelical leaders to endorse Donald Trump*
- * Justification: “He never pretended to be a theologian.”
- What would Jesus say? “Jesus never intended to give instructions to political leaders on how to run a country.”
- Loyalty points: offered position in Trump administration as education secretary
4. Paula White—Prosperity preacher, founder of Without Walls International Church (after all, without walls to keep out the internationals, where would we be…)
- Stats: blonde, age 51, height 5’4” (Trump likes to know)
- Net worth: $5 million
- Husband: Jonathan Cain, keyboardist for band, Journey
- Divorces: two
- Special skills: can duck and cover from IRS 990 forms
- Senate investigations: one
- Career highlights: spiritual advisor to Trump & chairwoman of Trump’s evangelical advisory board
- Creed: “You’re either in a position of abundance, you’re in a position of prosperity, or you’re in a position of poverty.”
5. Dr. James Dobson—Founder of Focus on the Family, Family Talk radio, and anti-LGBT hate group Family Research Council
- Family stats: son, grandson, and great-grandson of Church of the Nazarene ministers
- Ordination: none
- Education: University of Southern California, PhD Psychology
- Donation options for Family Talk: cash and gifts of stock accepted
- Interviewed: Ted Bundy before his execution, made tape available for $29.95
- Current Facebook post: “Bringing up Boys” (because nothing makes you more qualified to teach what it means to be a man, than endorsing an adulterous womanizer who calls women “fat pigs,” “dogs,” and “slobs” sneaks backstage to watch pageant contestants undress; and concurs with Howard Stern that his daughter is a “piece of ass.”
- On Trump: “As Jesus said, ‘Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.’”
- On Hillary: “Hillary scares me to death.”
6. Kenneth Copeland — Kenneth Copeland Ministries
- Parsonage: $6.3 million mansion
- TV Show: Believer’s Voice of Victory
- Message: “You’re going to be seriously, seriously held to account by God if you don’t vote…you’re going to be guilty of murder…of an abomination of God…we could have another eight years of Hillary Clinton and the worst mess than anybody could make out of a nation.”
- God told him: “I know my way around with politicians.”
- Senate inquiries into tax-exempt status: one
- Current website devotional: “A prayer for those involved in court cases.”
- Community Service: Trump’s evangelical advisory board
- Favorite personal jet: $20 million 2005 Cessna 750 Citation X purchased with church moola
- Second favorite jet: Cessna 550 Citation Bravo
- Third favorite jet: Cessna 500
- Needs private jets because: commercial planes are long tubes “with a bunch of demons” and seat belt requirements make it hard to stand up and talk to God.
7. Jim Bakker—1980s televangelist, current purveyor of “survival food buckets”
- TV ministry: PTL Club (a.k.a. the Jim and Tammy Show)
- Format: interviews, puppets & requests for money to the tune of over $1 million per week
- Former wife: the late Tammy Faye
- Sex scandal: motel tryst with church secretary Jessica Hahn and some other guy
- Pick-up line: “When you help the shepherd, you’re helping the sheep.”
- Side job: sold bogus partnerships and tens of thousands of memberships for luxury hotel that only had 500 rooms
- Federal charges: defrauding PTL contributors; indicted in 1998 on eight counts of mail fraud, 15 counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy (Praise the Lord!)
- Prison mates: activist Lyndon LaRouche and skydiver Roger Nelson
- Current message: criticism of Trump will fulfill biblical prophecy and bring about End Times—“that’s the spirit of Antichrist”
- Favorite horse of the Apocalypse: the white one
8. Jay Sekulow—Attorney to Donald J. Trump, founder of Christian Advocates Serving Evangelism
- age: 61
- Honorary Pastoral Degree, (full of) BS in Tele-Marketing
- Sought for: running Christian nonprofit and paying $60 million toward self, family, and personal interests
- Modus operandi: connive retirees with “no extra money” into making a “sacrificial gift”
- Rallying points: Abortion, Sharia law and Barack Obama
- Total comp: Sekulow ($3.3mm), wife/“treasurer” ($1.7mm), brother/COO ($9.2mm), sons and daughter ($1.7mm)
- Twitter follows: Andrew Breitbart, Roseanne Barr, and Save the Storks
- On Russia meeting: “If this was nefarious, why’d the Secret Service allow these people in?”
For more information, contact HeresyStoppers@JesusIsPissed.com.