Douchebag DecreeNo Moore, Less Apologists

This week, Black women, the real base of the democratic party kept us from electing a sexual predator who believes that Trump was put in office by God and that the United States is the focus of evil in the modern world because of marriage equality.

Roy Moore’s campaign was stained by multiple allegations that he initiated sexual relationships with minors, his ridiculous ten-gallon cowboy hat, and the most inept spokespeople I’ve ever seen. These fools appeared on television night after night spouting off incomprehensible refutations and smears against Moore’s accusers, refusing to answer questions about Moore’s policy positions, and generally appearing completely incompetent and unable to understand basic first-grade-level premises.

We’ll start with Ted Crockett, the former Shelby County Commissioner and Moore campaign spokesperson, who became famous this week for not knowing that politicians swearing into office can select the document they swear in on. He was interviewed/eviscerated by CNN’s Jake Tapper.

Highlights

  • On Trump endorsing Moore: “Roy Moore was going to win the election anyway.”
  • On the allegations against Moore: “A lot of this has been refuted.”
  • On Moore’s chances of winning: “We all know he will be seated.”
  • On the allegations against Moore: “This is a smear campaign.”
  • On Moore’s chances of winning: “Roy Moore is going to win this election tonight. The people of Alabama understand that. They understand it.”
  • Meaningless aphorism: “You can always cut a sheep out of the herd.”
  • On why Alabama supports Moore: “He is a Biblically-based, custom law of the Bible, the Mosaic, English law.”
  • On homosexuality: “Homosexuality is a sin in the Biblical sense; that is where Roy Moore is.”
  • On the United States: “This country was founded on the Christian Bible, founded on the Mosaic law, the Old Testament and the New Testament, Jake!”
  • On Jake: “Jake, you don’t understand!”
  • On homosexuality: Roy Moore “probably” thinks homosexuality should be illegal.
  • On the American legal system: “You people want to take the whole two or three thousand years of our history and y’all just wanna throw it out the window as if you’re just gonna make your own rules, your own man made rules and do whatever you want and sin and that’s part of the problem we got in Washington, D.C. today, Jake.”
  • On #MeToo: “They’re fooling with women they shouldn’t be fooling with. They ought to love their wives. Roy Moore loves his wife.”
  • On swearing in: “Aw, nah, I swore on a Bible! I did it three times, Jake!”
  • On the fact that politicians don’t have to swear in on the Christian Bible: Almost 10 seconds of stunned silence
  • Closing thoughts: “Merry Christmas, Jake.”

Next is Janet Porter, the founder and president of the anti-choice group Faith2Action and also a Moore campaign spokesperson. She was interviewed/eviscerated by CNN’s Poppy Harlow after she started off the interview in the most intense and rude way possible: Telling pregnant Harlow that Doug Jones would want to kill her baby.

Highlights

  • On Harlow’s son: “By the way, congratulations on your unborn child. That’s the reason why I came down as a volunteer to speak for Judge Roy Moore, because he’ll stand for the rights of babies like yours in the womb where his opponent will support killing them up until the moment of birth.”
  • On the allegations against Moore: “He’s denied all the false, baseless allegations.”
  • On journalists: “One of the jobs of journalists is to not just take an Academy Award performance at face value; you need to dig into the facts.”
  • On the allegations against Moore: “There’s a group of non-accusers that have not accused the judge of any sexual misconduct or anything illegal!”
  • On the allegations against Moore: “If people of legal age share a meal together, that’s frankly none of my business.”
  • On the allegations against Moore: “These are people who are seeking revenge, much like criminals who are seeking revenge.”
  • Bringing up the Harlow’s pregnancy in the creepiest way possible again: “If you care about child abuse, you should be talking about the fact that Judge Roy Moore stands for protection, not only of our second amendment rights so we can protect ourselves against predators, for the rights of babies like your eight-month baby that you’re carrying now, Doug Jones says you can take the life of that baby and we should pay for it, even from Planned Parenthood, who wants to sell us the organs.”
  • Closing thoughts: “We’re talking about what’s at stake here: We’re talking about fake allegations, concocted stories about an innocent man, versus the real threat of child abuse, not only in the womb but also in the locker room.”

Hopefully CNN scared Crockett and Porter enough that they will never disgrace our television screens ever again with their pathetic victim-blaming, wild-pivoting, ignorant, disingenuous bullshit. Goodbye and see ya never! 

by Dahlia Balcazar
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Dahlia Balcazar is Bitch Media’s senior editor. She’s passionate about horror films, ’90s music, girl gangs, and Shirley Jackson. She is the artist formerly known as Dahlia Grossman-Heinze. You can follow her on Instagram and Twitter.

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