Today is a sad day—after three years of publishing wonderful, hilarious, brilliant articles, The Toast is closing this week. While nothing can fill The Toast-sized holes in our hearts, Bitch staff put together a list of our favorite pieces over the years as our so long, farewell, Auf Weidersehen, goodbye to The Toast. We’ll miss you dearly, but we’re loving you and letting you go.
I feel like Mallory Ortberg looked into my soul and sucked out all of my nightmares and gave them words and reason. Moths are dusty and full of horror. I feel like I may have written this article myself in a fever dream, except I was too paralyzed by the Great Apartment Moth Infestation of 2012 to do it. —Kristin Rogers Brown, Art Director
Who else but The Toast could tell you what “cold hands,” “pony exhaustion,” and “too many novels” have in common? They are, of course, all ridiculous causes of death of women in literature. A topic you may have contemplated now and again, but, thanks to The Toast, now we have an exhaustive list. —Julie Falk, Executive Director
I love with all my heart every one of Mallory Ortberg’s women-in-art-history posts, but for anyone with social or party-related anxiety (ahem) the pairing of paintings and captions in this one really resonates. —Andi Zeisler, Cofounder and Editorial/Creative Director
My favorite writer at The Toast is Nicole Chung, who writes very eloquently about complicated topics like race, family, and identity. I think about this particular essay all the time—it’s made me think about the impact it has when, as a white person, I keep my mouth shut when someone says something ignorant or biased even in a friendly social situation. —Sarah Mirk, Online Editor
It’s a well-known fact that when it comes to Kristin Stewart-related news and non-news, Autostraddle is number one on all counts. But nothing, and I mean nothing, can touch the genius that is Mallory Ortberg’s take in If Kristin Stewart Were Your Girlfriend. Read it. Thanks to Ortberg’s uncanny ability to read the minds of completely inaccessible fictional characters and bring them to life, you’ll actually be uncertain about the truth the next time someone asks you if you’ve ever dated a celebrity. (Because that is a common question that people ask all the time.) Enjoy! —Kate Lesniak, Director of Strategic Engagement
This brilliance is a masterpiece in channeling the great Shirley J. and gets right to the creepiest, spookiest, most tender part of my heart. Though I myself am not expecting, it’s obvious that The Toast-Shirley’s advice would be useful and perfect for any and all occasions, but of course particularly useful for hauntings or other insidious small-town situations one might find oneself in. —Dahlia Grossman-Heinze, Audience Engagement Manager
Finding out that there are other people who enjoy satirizing 500 year-old British history is the sort of thing that makes you realize there are actually many, many people like you in the world. The Toast, was, for me, always a unique online gathering place for well-read feminists, history nerds, pop culture connoisseurs, and generally witty people to share both their deeply personal essays and weirdest parodies. It will be very missed. —Gretchen Sisson, Bitch writer and Board Member