BitchTapes: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Break ups can be a real bitch, can’t they? Wouldn’t it be nice if both parties could just go their separate ways, cordially, without rancor, and without, say, the desire to take a Louisville slugger to anyone’s headlights, to make harassing phone calls at dinnertime, name-calling, jealousy, screaming, crying on the kitchen floor, all five stages of grief, begging, pity parties, ill-advised sex, or way-too-long Dear John messages left on answering machines? 

Well, here’s a li’l mixtape to get all of that out of your (or your ex’s) system, for any future break ups you might experience.  These artists do all the heavy emotional lifting–and tire-slashing–so you don’t have to.  Once played, this mix will enable the listener to make a crime-free, self-respecting, graceful exit. I guarantee it.

1. You Know I’m No Good - Amy Winehouse

Are we surprised that Amy Winehouse’s break-ups are a wee bit complicated?  No, we are not.  She just can’t be faithful, and the carpet burns give her away every time.

2. Green Eyes - Erykah Badu

Give E. Badu enough time, and she’ll get over the break up.  She’ll be in denial for a while and even make a desperate plea. But eventually, she’ll see the handwriting on the wall.

3. Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill

L. Boogie just can’t let go.   Maybe she needs to channel her inner Kelis…

4. Caught Out There - Kelis

Primal scream therapy isn’t for everyone, but it seems to work for Kelis.

5. Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood

I’m sure Carrie Underwood can afford to keep a lawyer on retainer.  Don’t try this at home, kids.

6. Fuck the Pain Away - Peaches

The title pretty much says it all.  I’m not even sure if this song is about a break up, but it’s just so infectious I had to include it.  Oh, that Peaches…she’s not one to mince words.

7. You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette

If you look “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” in the dictionary, you will find a picture of Alanis Morissette, circa 1995.  (Totally unrelated, did you catch her hilarious rendition of “My Humps”?  It’s a must-see.)

8. Not Gon’ Cry - Mary J. Blige

Despite her protestations to the contrary, I’m guessing she cried.   Eleven years is a long time.  And she was not only his lover, but his secretary! WTF?!

9. Shake It Off - Mariah Carey

Less is more, Mariah.  Hanging up and calling back to continue leaving the long-ass message tells him you still care.  No, no, no!!!

10.  Have Mercy - Loretta Lynn

“She cain’t love you like I do!”–Ah, the time-worn plea-of-last-resort.  Sigh.  He don’t deserve you, Ms. Lynn.

11. Here We Go (explicit) - Trina ft. Kelly Rowland

Didn’t he know Trina was the Queen of Miami?  Why cross the baddest bitch?  Nothing good can ever come of that.

12. Irreplaceable - Beyoncé

Now, according to the Beyoncé Knowles School of Breaking Up, it’s really not hard to do at all: 1) Take his keys (you bought him that Jag, after all!); 2) Pack his stuff in the box to the left; 3) Call his trifling ass a cab; and 4) Wait about 60 seconds, and voilá–his replacement will appear.

13. Breaking Up is Hard to Do (slow version) - Neil Sedaka

If Neil Sedaka says it, then it must be true.  Along with “Bennie and the Jets” and “Ooh Child”, this song was one of my early childhood favorites.  The cheery little intro belies the lament that follows.

What’s on your break-up playlist?