We realize that we’re already making you feel bad about your hair, breasts, lips, butt, legs, and overall body type, but our work is far from over. We would now like to introduce you to a new, hopefully self-esteem-lowering, chock-full-o-side-effects cosmetic designed to make you feel like your F*ING EYELASHES aren’t good enough. Please watch the following video, feel the requisite amount of inadequacy, ignore the dangers, and write your doctor a big fat check for some LATISSE today.
Your Beloved Beauty Industrial Complex
Dear Industrial Beauty Complex,
Congratulations on your commendable attempts at shoving an unnecessary, potentially harmful eyelash drug at us. Good call using Brooke Shields as your spokesmodel, since she is pretty cool and we liked her speech at the Michael Jackson memorial. Good work also on the use of phrases like “inadequate, or not enough lashes.” No woman likes to hear that she might be inadequate, even if the message is coming through a commercial that is playing at 1:00 a.m. on the Style Network. You also deserve a pat on the back for your tagline: Grow Your Own Lashes. It’s almost like you’re challenging us to be better, stronger women by taking prescription drugs to make our lashes prettier. Touché.
However, we regret to inform you that your attempts to make us feel shitty about our eyelashes and thus procure prescription drugs are not going to work. We’re smart enough to put together that problems with eye pressure, eyelid skin darkening, itchy eyes, and increased brown iris pigmentation mean that if we use your product we might turn into a red and brown-eyed itchy mess who looks like she hasn’t slept in a few years. Somehow we just don’t think that the longer lashes would hide all of that. Here is a video that further details some of the side effects of your product (in case you were wondering):
Eye pruritus, conjunctival hyperemia, skin hyperpigmentation, ocular irritation, dry eye symptoms, and erythema of the eyelid? NO. THANKS.
In addition to the “contraindications” outlined above, we regret to inform you that we no longer wish to be marketed to as if we were insecure infants who happen to have disposable income (though that is how you wish we would behave). Playing to our insecurities by claiming that we are “inadequate” and that we need your help to grown our OWN LASHES is not only insulting, it’s ridiculous. In case you haven’t heard (though we’re sure Brooke Shields has) we are in the middle of a serious economic recession, and as if pumping our bodies full of harmful chemicals in order to bat longer lashes wasn’t bad enough, you also want us to pay doctors out the nose for it. I guess you think all of those people fighting for health care reform really just want prettier lashes, don’t you?
So cut the bullshit, Beauty Industrial Complex. We’ve got it bad enough already with non-prescription cosmetics. Let’s save the doctor’s visits for women who need health care, and leave our eyelashes out of it.
(Clearly I am unable to speak on behalf of all women here, so please leave your own comments below. Thanks!)