Regardless of political leanings, gender, religion, or creed, you’d think we could all agree that what happened last week at Sandy Hook Elementary School was a national tragedy that deserves our sympathy and respect. You’d be wrong.
As it turns out, instead of rising to the occasion by sending a card or donating some money in response to the crisis, some people have chosen to act like mega douchebags. So many people, in fact, that I had a hard time choosing just one turbodouche on whom to bestow this week’s Decree. Thus, I present you with this Sandy Hook Douchebag Roundup.
Victoria “Abortion is Mass Murder” Jackson, best known for her stint on Saturday Night Live, is also an anti-choice zealot. In an attempt to erase any memory of how charming she was in Casual Sex?, Jackson posted a quote on Facebook asking, “Wasn’t the Connecticut killer just doing what abortionists do every day?” A few days later, after she’s had a chance to get some perspective, Jackson REGRETS NOTHING.
When Barack Obama interrupted a football game to memorialize the Sandy Hook victims, racist “Get Off My TV” sports fans took to Twitter, hurling slurs and complaining that a game interruption of any kind was “unacceptable.” The offensive garbage they were spewing makes the guy who called Obama a “twerp” look like a humanitarian.
An ad for the same gun used at Sandy Hook, a Bushmaster, ran with the tagline: “Consider your man card re-issued.” A man card quiz was also a part of the campaign, encouraging potential customers to flex their masculinity and commit arson over a parking spot. The Man Card site is currently offline, but I couldn’t find an explanation or an apology anywhere, and, of course, the guns are still for sale with no mention of Sandy Hook.
Many were shocked by the events of last week, but not Mike “God Belongs in Schools” Huckabee. “We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools,” he said on Fox News. “Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?” Newt “God Belongs in Government” Gingrich agrees, adding that, “When you have an anti-religious, secular bureaucracy and secular judiciary, seeking to drive God out of public life, something fills the vacuum.” Sigh. Those two deserve each other.
Dennis “Arm the Teachers” Richardson—a representative, embarrassingly enough, from my own home state of Oregon—thinks concealed guns should be allowed in schools to prevent shootings like the one in Newtown, and he has a plan. A terrible plan that involves GUNS IN SCHOOLS. Joining him in this douche-filled belief is fellow representative Louie “More Guns” Gohmert of Texas, who wishes there’d been guns at Sandy Hook and thinks gun control is too “emotional” of a response. Aaand those two deserve each other too.
Attorney, dentist, noted birther, and douchebag Orly “I Blame Obama” Taiz claims Barack Obama was behind the shootings, so he can ban guns and “gain an absolute power.” Yeah, no.
You know what could have prevented the Sandy Hook shootings? No, and neither do I. But Charlotte “What About the Menz?” Allen thinks she knows: The problem was a lack of testosterone. “Male aggression can be a good thing, as in protecting the weak — but it has been forced out of the culture of elementary schools and the education schools that train their personnel,” she writes. “Think of what Sandy Hook might have been like if a couple of male teachers who had played high-school football, or even some of the huskier 12-year-old boys, had converged on Lanza.” Are you listening, husky 12-year-old boys? Your country needs you.
In the wake of the tragedy, many are questioning gun laws and ownership. Not so the National Rifle Association, which has not yet responded. It’s not hurting business, though, since people are signing up for the association in record numbers. Same goes for assault rifles. Everything is terrible.