Just when you thought there were no more reasons to hate the beauty industrial complex, right? I mean, first they shove the idea down our throats that as women we need painted nails, painted lips, processed hair, perfumed skin, and even chemically enhanced eyelashes, and now beauty products are the next weapons of mass destruction!
You read that right; earlier today in New York a man was arrested on the charge that he “had recently bought bomb-making supplies from beauty supply stores” and was planning on using them for evil. And not just the kind of evil that makes you feel bad about your fingernails, either.
Now this Douchebag Decree is in no way meant to make light of the threat beauty supplies are making to our national security. Far from it. If the accused, Najibullah Zazi, who allegedly was buying up tons of acetone and hydrogen peroxide (read: nail polish remover) to make bombs is guilty, then obviously this Douchebag Decree goes to him with a shiny, lacquered red ribbon on it. Beauty supplies can’t up and blow themselves up, but they can serve as a metaphor in this situation. After all, Zazi may have been using beauty products in an even more sinister way than the beauty industrial complex intended.
However, WMD jokes aside (because those just aren’t that funny), it strikes me as a bit ironic that beauty supplies, which have played an anti-women, anti-self-esteem, anti-nature, anti-any-woman-ever-feeling-okay-about-herself role in society since practically the dawn of time are now being used in an attempt to literally blow people up. The notion of beauty products has been hurting us as a culture in various hidden and insidious ways for centuries, and now someone has actually found a way to take it to the next level. Was this inevitable? What’s next? Stabbing people with shards of a literal glass ceiling?
So congratulations, beauty supplies. You are now capable of exploding in our faces and killing us. You may be completely inanimate, but you are still worthy of this week’s Douchebag Decree. Oh, and feel free to share the honor with Zazi. That guy seems like a real douche.