In an effort to cast a net beyond the sea of my own opinions (most of which involve reality television and hilarious animal photos) I asked for reader feedback on this week’s Douchebag Decree. The nominations were many, and all were deserving: The Itawamba School District, for its attempts to ban gay couples from attending the prom. Eric Massa, for allegedly sexually harassing employees in his Congressional office. Ken Cuccinelli, for his letter advising public universities to retreat from their policies against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Ben Roethlisberger, for yet another alleged sexual assault. Douchebags are running amok!
However, one nominee rose to the top of the list for me, especially once I realized this Douche Supreme has never been awarded The Decree before. (I guess it was too obvious?) Congratulations, Howard “Douchemeister” Stern.
Stern has been douching it up for years now, so it’s not a surprise that he did it again on his shitfest show Monday by fat-shaming the crap out of Academy Award nominee Gabourey Sidibe (with the help of his Douchemistress sidekick, Robin Quivers, of course). What really pushes this particular rant over the line between expected drivel and oh-no-you-didn’t, though, is the way in which he frames his hate speech as “helpful advice.” Take a listen (I’d set down any sharp objects first, though):
“Oh hey, Gabby? It’s me, Howard. Howard Stern, that’s right. I just wanted to let you know that you are fat and gross and you should lose weight if you want to continue working or even existing on this planet (which you are the size of, btw). What? Go fuck myself? But I’M HELPING YOU!!!”
Of course, as is necessary for all fat shamers, Stern thinks he’s being helpful by telling Sidibe she’s fat (omg I bet she had no idea) and that she should “look around her” and see what real actors should look like. Never mind that she was nominated for a frickin’ OSCAR, or that, contrary to what his douche-filled brain believes, she has three new projects lined up already. He just couldn’t let this opportunity to display his fat phobia pass us by!
Bitch Media isn’t the only outlet giving Stern the business for this bullshit (thank goodness for that). Whoopi Goldberg had some truth bombs of her own to drop:
Thank you, someone, for pointing out the obvious: No one would be talking this shit (not even Stern) if Sidibe was a man. Fat men are A-OK (for certain roles, anyway) but a fat woman who can act scares the bejeezus out of a lot of people. (Do they think she’s going to attack them? What’s the deal?) Therefore, instead of just accepting her existence, they have to attempt to bully and shame her out of their little club where all women look the same. Stern is leading this bully pack, right into Doucheville.
So well done, Stern. In more than a year of Bitch awarding weekly Douchebag Decrees, you’ve managed to avoid the dubious honor (probably because we prefer to pretend you don’t exist). However, with Monday’s ill-informed, hateful, fat-shaming diatribe, you finally did it. Gabby Sidibe may not have won her Oscar yet (though you think she should have because she won’t ever work again because she’s too fatty-fat-fat), but you most certainly won this Douchebag Decree. Now stop hating on Gabby, you fucking douche.