Douchebag Decree: Special Two for One Edition

Every now and then there are just too many d-bags committing too many acts of douchebaggery to pick just one. Plus there’s the whole ‘is-this-person-alone-even-worth-blogging-about’ question to reckon with. But hey, that’s why god invented the Special Two for One Edition, right? Here goes…

We begin with Pat Robertson, infamous host of The 700 Club, whose predictably offensive take on the disastrous 7.0 earthquake in Haiti puts him at the top of today’s list. In order to explain the tragedy, Robertson cited the people of Haiti, saying,

Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want
to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French. You know,
Napoleon the Third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to
the devil. They said, we will serve you if you’ll get us free from the
French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it’s a deal.
They kicked the French out, the Haitians revolted
and got themselves free.

But ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other, desperately poor. That island of Hispaniola is one island. It’s cut down the middle, on
the one side is Haiti, on the other side is the Dominican Republic. The
Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etc. Haiti
is in desperate poverty. Same island.

They need to have, and we need to pray for them, a great turning to
God. And out of this tragedy I’m optimistic something good may come.
But right now, we’re helping the suffering people and the suffering is

Watch the clip below:

Uh huh. Well thanks for that insight, Pat.

Hey, remember a few years back when that loony fringe-religious-conservative dude blamed Hurricane Katrina on abortion? Yeah, same guy. Enough said.

Meanwhile, please consider donating to MercyCorps or another similar organization to aid in disaster relief.

In other d-bag news, Fox News correspondent and commentator Tucker Carlson launched conservative website The Daily Caller on Monday. On the first day of the site’s existence, readers met (or perhaps, were reacquainted with) Matt Labash in an aptly titled column called ‘Ask Matt Labash.’ In the inaugural Q and A sesh for The DC, Labash succeeds at offending a great range of demographics with his clever, clever brand of humor. He begins by introducing himself,

For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard,
I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of
wisdom. Does that sound arrogant?  I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention.
I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have
chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose
teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like
Rachel Maddow.

Get it? Because Rachel Maddow is gay! Aka, a man! ROFL, right? Ok, just wait, it gets better.

When asked what fly fishing and dating have in common, Labash responds,

Both involve the excitement of the chase. Both require skill and
cunning. Both involve making effective presentations, so that the
pursuer can get the pursued to take something firmly in its mouth
before it has a chance to spit it out.  Finally, being successful at
either will probably require you to wash your hands afterwards.

Zomg, this guy! Referring to a sexual partner as ‘it’? Playfully referencing sexual assault? I sure hope he’s getting paid well for this because he deserves it! Yuk yuk yuk. *sigh*

Maybe the real kicker is his straight-up rape joke. Responding to ‘AJ,’ who asks Labash what three government programs he would eliminate, he lists ‘legalized rape’ at number two:

Legalized rape. What’s that you say? Rape isn’t sanctioned in this country? Then you
must not live in a city with red-light or speed cameras, where it
happens every day. Forget for a second that in one-fourth of all
automated ticket cases, the ticketed  car owner wasn’t the one actually
driving the vehicle at the time of the infraction (what other
crime-fighting technology do we consider reliable that nabs the wrong
person 25 percent of the time?) Just as heinous is that every year,
more and more municipal governments pretend that they plant these
all-seeing menaces in the interest of “safety.” Yet every year, their
revenues tend to  increase from the very same technology. Meaning that
the only deterrent effect the technology has is deterring your
government from being honest about raping its own citizenry. If you’re
going to slide me a roofie, Government, at least take me to dinner and
a movie first.

I have no words for that one.

by Malori Maloney
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5 Comments Have Been Posted


Both these men definitely deserve the douche-bag award. It really makes me sad that there are people like Pat Robertson who are loud, public, and have been around a long time, completely misrepresenting any semblance of Christ-following people. It's so incredibly backward, and it never ceases to shock me how people who claim to be following Christ can act in such direct contradiction of how He would've acted. As for the other guy, just ugh. UGH.


How are traffic cameras even metaphorically like "legalized rape"? Either Labash does not know <i>what rape is</i> or he's just really bitter about getting a speeding ticket.

At most you can bash Labash

At most you can bash Labash for being unfunny, and too transparently writing for an audience of 18-18 1/2 yo males who wear their hats backwards and accessorize their pick-ups with "truck nutz." But to label him as a d-bag on par with Pat666Robertson? Pat is a douchebag filled with the diarrhea of Hurricane Katrina victims, fitted with a barbed douchenozzle forged in the fires of hell.

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