Lady Business: When You Make More Money Than He Does

The only upside of being a writer who doesn’t make a bunch of money is that it has become a little easier to date. I can’t figure out if this is because I have a more flexible schedule, or because I’m happier and therefore more available and sultry-looking, or if it’s because I’m less intimidating now that I’m not pulling in five figures.

What’s confusing is that I don’t know if a decision has been made about whether women who bring home most of the money who are also in relationships are hot or not. It used to be common knowledge that that whole power dynamic thing in a relationship shifted with the purse (man purse?) strings.

Jane Ganahl, a former colleague of mine, writes that women are increasingly catching up with men as breadwinners and it’s not exactly all good for heterosexual couples:

In 1981, only 16 percent of women out-earned their male counterparts. In 2000, it was 22 percent, and these days it’s almost 40 percent. Research predicts that by 2030 the average woman will out-earn the average man. Good news, eh? Not always. For some couples, this can be a major problem.


According to one study by the American Sociological Association, when men are economically dependent on their women, they are more likely to cheat. “It may be that men who make less money than their partners are more unhappy and cheat because they are unhappy,” says Christin Munsch, a sociology Ph.D. candidate at Cornell University. So how are couples adapting? Apparently, not too well.

Over at TIME magazine (in an article published before Breastgate 2012), Liza Mundy wrote that in the heterosexual dating/marriage market, at least, that women who make a lot of money can still attract the honeys. Jamie Reidy of the Good Men Project concurs:

We’re in a recession! Pride is expensive. Billy Joel was clearly ahead of his time with “Uptown Girl.” I’m completely cool with dating a woman who earns more than I do.

Is this the norm, though? And how does this dynamic play out in same-sex relationships? For those of you who are dating, have you had problems attracting mates because of how much you make—either too much or too little? In longterm partnerships/marriages, has this been a point of contention or does it only rarely come up? Previously: Women are 60 Percent of Breadwinners, But Still Opting Out of High-Paying Work. Why?, You want food stamps to go with that advanced degree?

Joshunda Sanders, a Black woman with short black hair, smiles brightly at the camera
by Joshunda Sanders
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Joshunda Sanders is the author of I Can Write the World, How Racism and Sexism Killed Traditional Media: Why the Future of Journalism Depends on Women and People of Color, and The Beautiful Darkness: A Handbook for Orphans. She lives in the Bronx, New York, and sometimes tweets @JoshundaSanders.

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35 Comments Have Been Posted

I don't want it to be an issue, but it can be

I'm sad to say that income disparities were a major source of tension in my marriage to an otherwise forward-thinking man. Maybe it was because we worked in the same field and relocated together twice, but it was even harder to deal with because neither of us wanted to acknowledge that it was a source of stress. I wish we had admitted it and dealt with it head on. It's tough to admit that it stresses you out (it was tough for him), especially when you REALLY don't want it to.

I can relate to that

I think most people want to believe that money isn't that important and bringing a discussion about it into a romantic relationship is really awkward. I think people in general have a hard time talking about money, though.

bread and butter

I grew up in a household where both of my parents worked, my mother was more educated and made more money than my father. They never talked about how weird is was or how they had wished it could be the other way around. It was just the way it was. When my brother and I were still in grade school, my father decided to retire early (he was an older dad compared to the rest of my peer group) and my father became a stay-at-home-dad! He picked us up from school, made dinner for the family, did the laundry, kept the house in order.

I never heard any flack for having a family this was until I got into high school, and kids commented on who "wore the pants" in my family. I was not ashamed of my family, i liked it the way it was. Having a parent at home was a nice thing to have, and my dad was a rad guy, so it make it even better.

I've never seem my parents fight over it, or have any kind of power struggle. I've heard my mother say once that her siblings and parents, who are very traditional, have said negative things about how my mother makes the most money and has a house husband.

may parents are still married, and now they are both retired.

My family was like this too.

My family was like this too. My mom has her masters and works full time. My dad didn't finish college and had cycled through employment until finally becoming self-employed when I was in high school (he's a free lance photographer). I know money has been an issue between my parents, but never who is making it, rather that they just wish there was more to go around. I know my dad wishes he could make more, but it's never -to my knowledge anyway- been an issue of it being specifically my mom that made more, rather that he just wishes he could make more in general. It was nice growing up though for me and my sister; my dad would make our lunches and do my little sister's hair, he'd often make dinner and do the housework. I know he never minded any of that and liked spending more time with us. None of my friend's ever commented on it, and I never felt odd about it.

My husband's family on the other hand has commented on it, well, really just my mother-in-law has. They're a very "traditional" family; my m-i-l takes care of the home. My husband has told me things she has said about my family and my mother's working and my dad's lack of work. She has also criticized me (never to me though...) for wanting to work and have a career. I know it bothers her a lot that I'm the one looking for a job and my husband will just move with me, rather than the other way around. Luckily I have a very supportive significant other who is more than happy to help me succeed in what I want to do and move to wherever we have to. He can get a job basically anywhere while I can't. I don't know down the line if things will start to bug him about it, once I am making money, but right now he's great. He wishes he could spend more time at home; he feels like all he does is work. I wish I could be working and out of the house more.

As a professional woman

As a professional woman earning a generous (but not outrageous) salary, I've certainly encountered plenty of male insecurity about my income. It seems a lot of men are conditioned to believe that providing for a woman and her children is their most important role, and if that is taken away it is emasculating. It is also a way of controlling the relationship, knowing a woman needs you for that role, there seems to be some logical fallacie that she won't leave.

I dated a smart, professional, progressive man for a while who eventually admitted couldn't deal with me not needing him financially. He said there was "nothing" he could give me. I suppose saying "honey, you give me deep dicking" wasn't the most sensitive response I could have gave.

That's a pretty fantastic response, though.

It has truth in it. So does the whole dynamic you mention related to men feeling needed and also having a measure of control. I'm sure dozens of writers/researchers/sociologists have pointed this out, but patriarchy requires women's financial dependence on men in order to continue. I think a lot of men, whether they want to admit it or not, have difficulty defining their identities if they're not the main providers.

I thought it might be an issue... but...

My story: my (cis male) partner and I (cis female) dated briefly a few years ago before I moved interstate. He later decided to move to the same city for study. We had hopes that we would get back together, and it worked out that way.
At that time I earned about twice as much as him. He's a student and I work in financial services. I now earn about three times what he does.
Before he moved down, I was worried that the difference in income would cause an awkward dynamic. I worried that our lifestyles wouldn't be complementary. It hasn't been an issue. Reasons I think for this:
*he works similar hours - he treats his phd like a job and goes into the office most days
*I've traditionally been terrible with money so with the amount I put towards my debt I don't have as much in pocket anyway!
*we discuss it if anything ever makes us uncomfortable. E.g. I'm studying online part time at the moment on top of full time work. I admitted to him that I'm sometimes jealous about his much shorter commute and more flexible schedule. I felt better for acknowledging it, and have set some goals to make me happier with what I'm doing and give me something to work towards
*we treat our money as separate and split bills like housemates would, but sometimes I do a bit more because I can.
He is the most wonderful man. We now live together, and have two new kitties.
I was only in casual relationships while working full time before this, so the $$$ thing hasn't come up with anyone else. I am thinking about changing industries or going back to uni in a year or so, so the tables may be turned. I reckon we'll still be good.

Asset discrepancies

I am on the dating scene right now. I'm 29. I make a decent salary that affords me car payments, condo mortgage payments, reasonable eating out excursions, reasonable on-sale clothing shopping each month, cable, internet, retirement savings and little bit extra savings.

I've never really known how much a man makes in comparison to my own income. However, where I'm noticing unease and tension is in dating men who are still renters, not owners of their homes. Or even some who still rent with a roommate. I've noticed insecurity on the male's part in "admitting" it to me, and, I'll be honest, a bit of my feeling "Oh, that's unfortunate" on my part -> both unfortunate they rent and unfortunate they're insecure about it.

I struggle with my desire to date someone my equal in assets, and even more struggle with the twinges I sometimes have of wanting to date someone better off than myself. I try not to, but do get caught up in fantasizing about a wealthy partner who could take the brunt of my not wanting to deal with the stress of my job anymore and our still being able to afford to live if I took a comparatively less-stressful, lower-paying job.

Fantasies about wealthy partners.

I sometimes have those.
I think I might feel a little guilty, too. It's embedded in our brains that there is something very feminine about being provided for in a relationship, specifically regarding material things and possessions. But as Independent Women I guess we are supposed to dismiss that desire.

I make about three time more

I make about three time more than my husband. This is only an issue if he cannot find work (remodeling homes is feast or famine). As long as he's contributing, he's happy (and so am I). He is terrible with money so I deal with all the finances in our household. This has been the best thing we've ever done. We have never argued about finances since we made this change.

I'm a 23-year-old student

I'm a 23-year-old student with a good part-time job, and once dated a 31 year-old man who was jealous of my income. The relationship itself was nothing serious, but he kept making comments implying I was some kind of sellout for being able to commit to a steady job, dropping hints about how he was too much of a free spirit to ever bankrupt his soul for wages.

The job in question was for a non-profit organisation which delivered personal care to the elderly.

My husband and I make

My husband and I make approximately equal amounts of money, but our view is that "our" money is "our money" and we pay no attention to where it comes from. There was a period where I was working and he was unemployed (~10 months, we had relocated for my job) and it was never an issue. Perhaps it would be different under different circumstances, but I don't think so.

I'm currently in a long term

I'm currently in a long term same-sex relationship, and I think that sometimes I feel more pressure to be equal in every single aspect at all times in a literal way, but equality isn't all numbers and figures and doesn't happen in a vacuum. My main point of anxiety and fear lies in the notion that our lifestyles will end up clashing on account of our paychecks. We're both pursuing creative arts fields, but I've had way fewer full-time or salaried jobs that she has, meaning my pay has always been less.

I don't want this to be an issue, but I think it's best to talk out the stress without judgment so that each partner has a chance to reiterate and reevaluate what is important to them - fulfilling, satisfying work? Low debt/Debt free living? Ability to travel? Flexible schedule? More time at home? Money to go out frequently? It basically boils down to honesty and lifestyle compatibility or support for me, and growing out of our insecurities, most of all.

Growing out of insecurities

I think that's so important. I think it can be really difficult to do.
Some of the women in relationships who have commented here (and even those of you who are dating) have mentioned not knowing your partner that well when the insecurity demon popped up. I think that's true for any issue, whether it's money or sex or values. When you know yourself, what you want, and you know your partner, I think it's much easier to navigate any awkwardness or career clashing. Best of luck to you!

Quality over Quantity (Here's Hoping

I'm currently in a long term same-sex relationship, and I think that sometimes I feel more pressure to be equal in every single aspect at all times in a literal way, but equality isn't all numbers and figures and doesn't happen in a vacuum. My main point of anxiety and fear lies in the notion that our lifestyles will end up clashing on account of our paychecks. We're both pursuing creative arts fields, but I've had way fewer full-time or salaried jobs that she has, meaning my pay has always been less.

I don't want this to be an issue, but I think it's best to talk out the stress without judgment so that each partner has a chance to reiterate and reevaluate what is important to them - fulfilling, satisfying work? Low debt/Debt free living? Ability to travel? Flexible schedule? More time at home? Money to go out frequently? It basically boils down to honesty and lifestyle compatibility or support for me, and growing out of our insecurities, most of all.

single income family

I'm genderqueer and pansexual. Biologically I am a woman, and I was raised in a matriarchy. I didn't approve of the inequality, but I still ended up modeling my own family after my parents' and aunts' households. I work and attend graduate school while my straight, cisgender male partner stays home with our child. He cooks, cleans, and raises our kid. (All my uncles are house-husbands, too.) My partner and I are in an odd position: if he were to work, we would have to devote most of that income to childcare. Being a single income family actually works out best for us, economically. Plus, he loves the time he gets to spend with our child.

We have encountered quite a bit of disapproval from acquaintances and strangers (we live in the South). However, most people seem to adjust fairly well when I compare our routine to traditional American households from the Fifties. They seem able to fit their minds around the concept when I frame it that way. Luckily, he and I are both stubborn and argumentative, so when people are jerks we feel comfortable standing our ground. He would like to attend college and choose a career path after our kid starts kindergarten. I want him to follow whatever dream he settles on, but I would be happy to support him the rest of my life if he needed me to; it is corny to say, but he really makes our house feel like a home. For now, he is comfortable with me being the breadwinner. Because he has no income, we try especially hard to maintain a balance of power so that our little family unit doesn't turn out as sexist and strict as my big, matriarchal family. We are both satisfied with the kind of life we lead, and we have been together six years-- nine if you count when we dated in high school. I think that our solid relationship has helped us to cut through all the gender red tape.

Trampling gender red tape in the South

Congratulations to you on your wonderful home and family life, despite the judgment of folks in the South. As a single woman in the South, I have observed the weird clash of modern times (which apparently seem to be happening on the coasts) and life down here, where modern life has continued, but attitudes about family seem stubbornly attached to the past.

Wife of (hopefully) futre househusband

I just graduated with my Bachelor's on Sunday (Woo! A bit late in the game, but I had some major bumps in the road.) and am much more career-driven than my husband. He doesn't mind working, but he would love to be a stay-at-home dad and I am perfectly fine with that. Neither of us make tons of money, enough that we get by and are working on buying a home now that our lives have stabilized with my graduation and our recent decision to stay in the area. I make slightly more than him and we are both fine with that. I just had an interview on Friday that should bump me up a decent amount if I get the job and both of us are really, really hoping that I get it. We've only been married for a month, but have been living together for awhile. We haven't fought about money at all. As long as the bills get paid, what the other does with their extra cash is their business. Once I am making more, we both plan that I will be contributing a greater portion of money to the household expenses and if I am the only one working, naturally he will have access to cash. I am female and both of us are cis-gendered.


And good luck! Sounds like y'all are off to a great start.


I have been in a relationship with boyfriend for 2 and a half years, and have made more than him almost the whole time. He's very ADD, so while we were in college, his parents were willing to support him while he focused on school. At that time, my working and making my own money never bothered him. Then, after college, I got INCREDIBLY lucky scoring an internship (through someone that I have known for years) and the internship led to a job. My boyfriend, on the other hand, struggled to find a job at all, like sooo many college graduates are. So for a while there, I think he was really down on himself. I think it embarrassed him when a waiter would bring a check and set it down in front of him, and either I would be paying for it or we would need to ask them to split it. I think he also hated going out with other couples where the guy would be paying for his girlfriend. But he knows that even if he were making the same amount or more, I would still want to pay for my own meals most of the time; we aren't married, we aren't sharing money, I just don't see the point in either one of us paying for the other's meals on a regular basis (it's always nice as a treat though!).

He did become a lot more comfortable, especially since he knows that DOESN'T know what he wants to do with the rest of his life, so he can't expect a career-path type job yet (like I have). And he finally got a job which also makes him feel better.

And now we turned the restaurant experience into a joke. If the waiter asks us ahead of time if we want separate checks, or if they bring it to us already split, then they are a feminist waiter whom we like. If not, so sad for them.


I am a teacher working 6 hrs a day 10 months a year and still make 3 times what my husband makes. He has no job skills and is constantly unemployed. He is useless around the house, and is terrible with the kids. He is only concerned with his own well being, never thinking of anyone but himself. I tried to file for divorce but he's making it very difficult. Ladies, make sure you either marry a man with good earning potential or get a. Prenup!

A Guy's perspective

I'm a twenty-five year old guy with a degree in the liberal arts and, not surprisingly, find it a little more difficult than most to navigate the current economic landscape. For a while I dated a girl just before she was going off to graduate school to get on a more prosperous career track. This topic never really came up, at least to her knowledge, but I can honestly admit that it provided a good share of the anxiety and insecurity I had that lead to the breakdown in the relationship. For me I do believe the anxiety was not only legitimate, but a necessary thing to get me to think more seriously about relationships and money and my own identity as a man. Really it was just what I needed to grow out of this rigid artist's mentality that I was going to somehow escape the concerns that all but only the most freak-accident successful people in my field are subject too. I'm embarrassed to say that I can relate to the previous post from the young woman who was accused of being a sellout by her boyfriend. In time I'm glad to say I've grown to respect my ex's desire to pursue her own path. When you're confronted with someone you love though who wants "all the same things" for her kids that she had, being who I was, you're really put in an interesting position. It didn't help that her family was a great deal wealthier than mine and the real risks I would have been subject to if I'd moved to her college town, having not dated for even half a year yet, if the relationship had gone south anyway, no expectation of a bailout from the parents. In the end this experience has led me to be more serious about both my art and the potentiality that I may need to go back to college for more serious study to find fulfillment the way my ex has.

I really am encouraged by what I've read in the comments sections here. I remember it being so strange growing up into this new social landscape. As a kid through high school, I was really into learning and getting good grades (mainly to maintain academic parity with my older sister, to whom I now owe money haha). I think I knew something was up then when I was regarded as a little weird for being a guy with an academic focus and being surrounded by women for any achievement awards or when the top grades were handed out. Its definitely a different world and while I do appreciate the time I spent oblivious to finance (Ive grown crazy obsessed with learning about money and micro/macro econ now) I'm glad there was a good girl in my life that helped lift me a little bit further away from the video game playing model that so many contemporary dudes have descended into. I sure hope y'all go easy on us haha. Its hard to figure out what it means to be a man these day, but I embrace the change.

.I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the foru

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Solution to lost relationship or you want back your EX

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Wow. That sociologist got

Wow. That sociologist got some mad deep analysis skills, man. Men who earn less than their wives are unhappy. Unhappy men cheat. The end.

I'm lacking a bit of "WTF?" in this blog post. Or am I the only one who finds this a bit... Wtf:y?
In the same way that lots of things about the world are, you know. Because we live in a f-ed up world. But also in the way that I refuse to simply accept it.

Reading the comments to this

Reading the comments to this article actually made my mouth fall open. And stay that way.
It's like a complete backlash, but only in the comment section of Bitch.

Is this the world I'm going to raise my kids in? Still?


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I am not here to tell you about myself but i just want to share my experience with this great man called Dr.Zabaza, I lost my lover to another guy i was so confused because i really needed her back but i didn't know her to get her back till i came accross Dr. Zabaza email and my lover was back to me within 48hours. Any body that is heartbroken can get his or her lover back through the great powers of this great spell caster called Dr.Zabaza whose email is or call him on +2348182620374 for a real confirmation of what i just said..


He brought back my love within 36hours

Hello,Am Stewart Jack,From the united State of America,Am here to testify the good name of this great man sent by almighty God who has brought joy to our country his name is dr ikuku,i don't just know what to say about what this great man has done for me and in our country,i have ready much about him on the internet,But i taught he was a scam,Because i have fallen victims in the hands of fake spell caster,Until this day i was at a barber's shop when i was listen to fm radio,Then after that a show came up on the radio when i had a lady testifying in the good name of this great man dr ikuku how he helped her in bringing back her ex into her arms within 48hours,So when i had that name ikuku i was shocked and said in my mind that i have read about this man on the internet,So then i was so angry with myself that why did i not contact this man ever since which i now fell into the hands of fake spell caster,So then i just went home and gave ikuku a call instantly and told him how my lover left me for another man for the past 4years,When i told him all this dr ikuku laughed and said that i should not worry that he assure me that my wife queeneth would be back to my arms within 36hours,Which then i sticked to that word,Because i never doubted him because i said for a lady to talk about dr ikuku on an international radio station truly he must be a trustworthy man,Then i waited before the 36hours completed i got a text message from queeneth saying she was sorry that i should please forgive her,i was so happy when i had that,Then i told her to come home which she did and now she love's me more than anything ever this is due to the help of dr ikuku,Please friends you don't need to go far dr ikuku is a trustworthy man,Known around the world you can contact him on his private mail or cell number +2348034458597


I want to tell everyone on this site that Dr.Zabaza brought back my lover within 48hours and you can reach Dr.Zabaza on or call him on +2348182620374 So that you can also get your lover back within 48hours.


I am a student from India have no money as such and I was crazily in love with my ex boyfriend who decided to leave me after 3 years if relationship. I was totally in love and found no hope at all, every time I would call he would not pick my calls or would just block my calls . Considering we are in different parts of the country I could not practically travel! I was shattered, then I decided to write to Dr Apo about my problem and asked him to cast a spell as a favour as I had no money . Dr Apo was so generous and humble, he helped me out and I got a call from my ex and he coming to meet me in two days . Thank you Dr Apo without you my life, would have been a wretch! visit him to help you with your problems and worries at this email: APOLOVESPELLTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM and forget about your sorrow......thanks!!