Ms. Opinionated: My Boyfriend Thinks I Should Dress Sexier.

Welcome to Ms. Opinionated, our weekly advice column dealing with questions of life, love, feminism, and pop culture. Submit your anonymous questions here. This week, Sydette Harry answers a question about an annoying behavior.

Dear Ms. Opinionated, 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and we are very happy together. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and wants to be with me forever. However, there is one small problem that has always bothered me. He doesn’t seem to like the way I dress, because I tend to dress comfortably, or as he puts it, I dress “too simple.” He always says that I should dress sexier because he loves my body, and he thinks it’s beautiful and so I should, as he says, “show it off.” But the real problem is how this isn’t just a once in a blue moon thing; he tells me all the time. Almost every single time we are together and he wants to grope me, he always says, “yeah you should totally get yourself a push-up bra, or a bra that actually fits and that way your cleavage will show more.” No joke, he says this to me ALL THE TIME. I like to wear sports bras because they are most comfortable to me, but he thinks they are too “dowdy.” Other times he says that I should wear tighter pants to show off my shape more, and wear more revealing shirts. It’s just constant. It’s got to the point where any time he points it out I just roll my eyes and say, “Yes! I know because you tell me all the time!” Then he tries to defend himself by saying, “Oh no! Honey you have a gorgeous body and so I say those things to you because I want to show you off.” Which to me always sounds… odd.

Even one of his friends not too long ago said to me, “You should wear tighter pants to show off those sexy legs of yours.” And my boyfriend high-fived him and yelled, “Thank you!” It made me feel VERY uncomfortable and almost humiliated as there were about ten other people in the room.

So, should I talk to him more about this and discuss why these things make me feel uncomfortable and doesn’t always help with my self-esteem? Or try some other tactic? I really do love him. Besides all of the clothes issues he always tries to show me how much he loves me and cares for me. But at the same time, the clothes issues have been bothering me lately. Any advice?

Sincerely,

Annoyed

Hi Annoyed,

I’m annoyed too.

You talk about rolling your eyes. I need you to do something a little different.

Look him directly in his eyes and tell him, “Stop.” This behavior is basically intimating that you don’t know how to dress because HE’s not getting enough capital from it. Now you may be a knockout stunner who is showing signs of self-esteem through camouflage and his heart may be in the right place. But if he does have your best interests in mind, he would be looking for a way to talk about your body that made YOU comfortable. These sexier clothes could be a wish for your boyfriend, sort of a kink, but unless you have a direct conversation about it, it’s wheedling and aggravating. And he needs to stop it. You need to have a conversation that ends with some pretty basic standards for how this is going to go forward based ENTIRELY on what you feel good about.

Cleavage is awesome and, personally, I try to factor in as much of it as possible. But that’s my choice and it’s the rule of things. A person gets to make their own decisions about their own body, from what they cover it in to what they carry in it. They get to make that choice every time—100 percent of the time.

Now about the “friend” and that situation. 

I’m willing to believe that you didn’t feel “almost humiliated”—you felt actually humiliated. A room of people heard your boyfriend and his friend declare that you need to dress differently for their pleasure. That’s mortifying. While it may be not so feminist of me to think this, I feel like the appropriate response to that behavior is not a high five but a right hook. I personally can’t be with any man who thinks another man demanding his partner perform sexiness for his gaze is an affirmation of his judgment and not a disgusting violation of his partner’s privacy.

We like when our peers find our partners attractive, but that display was about them showing off and it was done in such a way as to draw attention to him.

If you wish to stay with him (and frankly I would advise against if he doesn’t cut this shit out), I am going to beg you watch out for this trait of his. His actions are amazingly self-centered. You are very patient and wonderful with someone who is haranguing you about your dress rather than thanking you for being able to see that sexiness in ANY FORM YOU WISH. You can do better.

The next guy will do all of the good things AND not think that embarrassing you in public is something that deserves a high five.

Let me know how it goes.

Best,

Sydette

Do you have a question for advice columnists Andi Zeisler, Sydette Harry, or Nicole Georges? Send it in! All questions will remain anonymous. Read previous installments of our feminist advice column.