No Kidding: Are Childfree People Angry?

In any sender-receiver situation, meaning is made by both the sender and the receiver. In the case of the issue at hand, I believe that the perception of the child-free sender's attitude is created as much by the receiver's feelings as by what the sender is actually saying. That is, though my partner and I are child-free, we have NEVER said that we dislike children and in fact we often enjoy the company of children. However, we have acquaintances who have gotten it into their heads somehow that we don't like kids, even though, I repeat, we have never said or suggested or behaved in a manner to suggest any such thing. I think that some people just read our choice to be child-free as "child-hating" or at least "child-disliking," such that anything we say about children is colored by that perception.

This possibly willful misunderstanding may occur on the internet as well as in face-to-face situations, but maybe it's magnified on the internet, where, as you suggest, people are often a little more blunt than they would be otherwise. But in any case, we have to factor in the role of the receiver as well as the sender in building perceptions.

This article could be about me. I'm vegetarian, but live vicariously through my friends' meat-eating, and childless by choice, but I really like kids. I always try to reassure people that I don't judge them. At the same time, and I'll speak specifically about being childless here, it does make me *extremely* angry that I'm constantly bombarded with negative judgments on my choice, both explicit and unconscious. I've actually been harassed by a doctor about my choice not to have children, but there's wider cultural pressure too. Perhaps once being childless is seen as a legitimate choice, I can stop reacting to negative judgments with anger -- even, or especially, when they're not explicit.

You only have to look as far as that hideously nasty webite STFU Parents to see how vociferous some of the hatred towards women with children is from some (and I mean only some) child-free people. I recently got into an online spat about this mostly because I really resent the notion that once you have children you become a so-called Mombie who has nothing to say any more. I'm really concerned as a feminist (and, dare I say it) as a human, with the demonisation or, worse, minimalisation of mothers (and fathers).

The ignorance that a minority of child free women show towards those with children is horrifying. I'm thinking specifically of words like "breeder" and cries of "she just dropped me when she had a kid, she's so selfish". Having a child should be treated with respect and seriousness. Priorities should and will change. But that doesn't mean that a woman is any less who she was before.

Let's try and be thoughtful towards everyone - not just those who are like us.

I have two children because I chose to. But most of my close friends are child-free, also by choice. I don't feel as if I receive hostility from them. In fact, they often invite my children to our gatherings and make them feel at home when we are all together. If there is any hostility, I would say that it probably comes from me, unfortunately. Occassionally, my friends simply don't understand the level of committment I have to my children, or why I don't want to attend a party because I've been asked to dump them in someone's basement alone with video games all night. Sometimes they compare my children to their pets, which I find offensive. And I'm concerned about my children's generation as they get older and have to bear the financial and social responsibility of caring for so many people in my generation who chose not to have children and have limited or no support when they become elderly. I sometimes feel like the mothers are the minority in today's world. But for the most part, it isn't difficult to get along well with people who have made a different choice than I have.

The gift-giving annoys me to no end. I am expected to give gifts and go to school plays, first-grade graduations and what not, from my siblings with kids, but receive no gifts from them--or attendance at my graduation--for earning a PhD.

As a parent, I respect people's choice not to have kids. I know it must be hard in a society that still promotes this idea that, to be a full person, one must find their soul mate and reproduce. It is still a social expectation. So I'm sure childfree folks have to face prejudice from some quarters. On the other hand, I have met a few childfree people, or read some online, who were "anti-child." But I'm pretty sure they are a minority. At least they are in my own experience.

Here is a piece I wrote on this on my blog a few years ago. http://tboyjacky.wordpress.com/2008/01/26/being-a-mom/

The only difficulty that I've had with child free friends, especially when I was in my late 20s and my childfree friends were also mostly in that age range, is that many of them didn't want to hang out with me when I had my child. They only wanted to go out and party in bars. If I would invite them to come hang out for a family activity, I would get an incredulous look. But I've changed social circles since then and now have childfree friends who actually enjoy hanging out with us, as well as sometimes hanging out with me when my child is with my ex.

In all fairness though, why SHOULD you have to be proactive about "I'm childfree BUT I DON'T HATE CHILDREN."? Yes, I don't think you should walk around saying "I hate kids" but I also think that having to be proactive about your love/tolerance of them is a pretty big imposition. Should Prius owners slap on bumper stickers that say "My car gets great gas mileage and is saving the earth, but it's TOTALLY OKAY if yours doesn't." ?

People will make judgments about you based on their own experiences and understanding of the world. And while I do think that part of feminism is educating the world, I don't think the burden of education should constantly be on the people who are non normative.

I just get sick of having to answer the same question - When/Are you and [significant other] going to have kids? - with the same answer - We aren't - over and over. Recently, a friend of mine who is married and has two (adorable, wonderful, interesting, sweet) little girls asked me this question for the umpteenth time. We only see each other every couple of months but without fail, she seems to ask me this question every time we're together, and especially when we're around other people. I've told her the normal polite spiel - I adore your kids, respect your decision to have them, not for me, etc, etc - every time she brings it up, but it just won't go away. When she again asked me if/when the dude and I were planning on having kids, I replied "Never, if I can help it." I didn't mean to come off as blunt or rude, but I get tired of answering the same question with the same answer over and over!

Neither the author nor the commenters on this blog seem to view this issue like I do, and I don't understand why. Having a child has many implications that perhaps outweigh society's "everyone's choice should be respected and not judged" line. Will you please watch this video and tell me what is wrong with the arguments in it? Ignore the drawing. Please? Why is it even ok for a person to bring someone into being without consulting them first?

http://inmendham.com/dog/flv347.html

I choose to be childless and I'm not a mean person. I really feel sorry for children because of the type of crazy world they live in. Parents keep saying maybe one day their child or mine will solve the world's problems. I still see no change and if this child tries to solve the problems of the world. Either risk getting assassinated for example, Gandhi, Kennedy, Martin Luther King and Jesus. I also know I'm missing a few names but when ever someone wants to change the world for the better. Someone always wants to kill them and, what mother wants to give up their child for world? I choose to not have children because I hate everything about the world we live in. Every time I see a baby I just want to cry for them and the pain they will go through being here, in hell. I also don't know how parents sleep at night and not knowing what kind of day their child will face. Some parents tell me they block their feelings about the bad things of the world so, they won't go crazy. The anniversary of 9/11 is coming up and my little brother was asking me questions about war and death. I told him go ask mom about. I never what to have those kinds of questions coming to me from a child.

I can't help it. I DO judge those with children. Most people either have kids accidentally or pursue it with the single-mindedness of a child who wants a toy NO MATTER WHAT. I've actually thought about my choice, and yes, I do have thinly veiled contempt for those who have not thought out their decisions on procreation. Most people with kids spend more time agonizing over what kind of computer to buy than they spend thinking about the pros and cons of childbearing. So, excuse me while I go off and feel superior.

I've seen a lot of anger from the childfree (and hatred toward parents and children), and I've also seen a lot of people who have kids who are vexed by the childfree and insist they're selfish, self-absorbed, mean, cold, etc. Why either side hates the other is confusing to me (don't want kids? don't have 'em. Want kids? have 'em - IF you're fit). I wrote about this in "The Childfree vs. 'Breeder' War: Why Are We Fighting It?" http://sylviadlucas.com/2011/09/22/the-child-free-vs-breeder-war-why-are...

Maybe some people just like being angry and judgy, and then we get angry at those who are angry and judgy. - Sylvia, author of "No Children, No Guilt"

I feel as though people who choose to not have children are treated in a hostile way by those who think all women are "made to have kids". To be constantly judged or slammed with negative comments on a choice that doesn't even affect the person making the comments causes anger in the person being judged. I am a 29 year old woman who chose to not have children and feel constantly berated by others with kids. Many women who have made the choice to have children or who have always wanted children, are unable to focus on anything but their own beliefs. It is hard for them to realize that the world is made up of many people with differing beliefs and values. I see it like this... I choose to not eat white bread. This doesn't mean I don't like white bread, it just means I don't want it. My choice to not eat white bread has nothing to do with you and to be viewed as less of a person for not making the same choice as you is hostile. It makes me feel like people who are deeply offended by my choice to not have kids wish they had made that choice and now feel they need to take that anger out on me somehow...? Whether this argument is about not having children or what one eats, or the type of car one drives, we all have different opinions, ideas, beliefs, values, and lives. Everyone should be open minded and embrace differences. To sum it all up, people who have no children may be viewed as "angry" because they are sick and tired of people telling them they are selfish for not making the same choice as everyone else. It is a normal human response to be angry when being judged or scolded for our beliefs.