No Kidding: What We Talk About When We Talk About Not Having Kids

I've known I that I don't want children since I was a child myself. Something about the "get a job, get married, have a couple kids, retire, and die" just hasn't ever appealed to me. Although I do realize that my simplistic equation of parenthood with mediocrity and routine is not necessarily the case in all situations -- many parents have very exciting and fulfilling lives I'm sure -- I have always wanted something different from that. Something less ordinary, something more exciting, some less run of the mill, something different and unique.

What I used to find frustrating (and still do, to be honest) is how people just assumed I was "being silly." I always got the line, "Oh, once you'll grow up, you'll change your mind, just you wait." I can't express in words how annoying that condescending attitude is. As if someone else knows better than myself what I want in my life. Furthermore, I think it's ridiculous that people equate not wanting a child with "hating children." "You don't want children? Wow, I thought everyone liked kids," is the usual response. No, just because I don't want children of my own doesn't mean I have a grudge against kids.

I wish people could understand that the days of the dominance of then ultra-domestic, heteronormative nuclear family are fading away. The social order is changing; the cultural scene is chaning... and for the better, in my opinion. The world simply can't support an ever increasing population. Women should be seen as "complete" only when they marry and produce offspring. Marriage doesn't signal adulthood. Let's get over our Victorian hangover, already.

Here's my 2 cents: I chose to have children for one reason only. I'm from Afghanistan and as the 30 year war rages on, bombs, suicide, depression and other traumas take more and more of my people and leave others scarred and tired. When I felt a hankering to take care of another, I decided to give birth to one simply to make one more Afghan. And hopefully, to provide a less fucked up life to this one Afghani girl child. Passing down my genetic make-up, my persian roots was super important to me. It was not a rational decision. I could have adopted and passed down my culture, language and persian-ness to a child. it was purely an emotional decision based on the fact that i did not feel like my kind was surviving well enough and needed to add to its numbers!
that being said, I do feel a huge amount of pressure to have more children, both culturally as an Afghani woman and as an American. I've been told that having only one child is selfish of me, and that I'm doing my daughter psychological harm by not providing her with biological siblings. Psychological harm for Gods Sake!

I'm so looking forward to reading this series. I always find it interesting that while me and my other child-free female friends state we don't want children - men that don't want children are never treated in the same vein. When my friend K wanted to have the essure procedure done, she was given the run-around for weeks. Told she was going to change her mind, she was too young (gasp only in her mid-twenties), and that she was sure to change her mind once she had the procedure done. However when my boyfriend L went to make sure he would be child-free - doc gave him no problem. No questions on his age (same age as my friend when he had it done), no admonishing that he was going to change his mind - just gave him the procedure that he wanted and sent him on his way. Ridiculous.

I married young and had my only child at 20 and, following my divorce, chose at the age of 24 to make that permanent by way of tubal ligation. Over the years, now 40, I have gotten quite a bit of grief for that (especially after I remarried) and have found it interesting that people feel it is their duty and right to comment and judge the decision I made, which I have very openly said I have never regretted. It has definitely made me rethink my own attitudes towards child-bearing and the societal pressures women endure on all spectrum's of the parenting front. I have tried to pass this thoughtfulness onto my own daughter and have tried to be conscientious of the messages I send her about motherhood and the choices she has regarding her reproduction. However, the pressures are still alive and well. My much beloved, but very traditional, Aunt just about had a heart attack last year when she asked my daughter, then 19, how many kids she planned on having (!!!) and my daughter very vehemently responded "None".

I can't wait to follow this dialogue!

I am very much looking forward to this series, though I do wish we could have some sort of moratorium on comments from parents trying to rationalize to us why they had kids. It's great that people choose to have kids but this is not an appropriate place to make sure that you're seen as "not one of those parents." It would be completely inappropriate and not tolerated for people who are choosing to not have kids to go in a post about parenting and bray about their choice and why they made it, it should be no different here.

Thanks for this amazing thread!

I'm 30 and have decided not to have children with some mixed feelings.

I'm so fascinated with the process of pregnancy, childbirth and nursing. I want to feel the endorphines and adrenaline fluctuate in my body and experience the rite of childbirth -- the blood and the pain and the relief. I want that physical, spiritual and emotional journey.

I don't want the 20 years that come after that of diapers, homework, toilet training, after school sports, college loans, and potentially becoming a single parent struggling to make ends meet, etc. This I'm completely sure of.

My whole lifestyle is a celebration of choosing not to have children, so I've intentionally been giving myself the opportunity to mourn this choice, too. Its a funny thing to feel my body desire just the pregnancy and know that my heart and mind are telling me, "hell no!" So I grieve this contradiction like grieving the loss of something dear to me. While I have more emotional and spiritual work to do here, I've had some great catharsis and emerging wisdom about myself and how to craft my future.

I'm largely echoing the sentiments of other commenters, but I'm too interested in this topic not to voice my thoughts. Like others, I'm weary of the winking condescension I receive almost every time my preference about children comes up. I've had colleagues who barely know me repeatedly insist, "You never know...," when in fact I do know that I don't want to have children, and have known since as long as I can remember.

I recently had a medical procedure, one side effect of the which was a reduced capacity to get pregnant. The doctor was reluctant to perform the procedure because of this; Even though I wanted to go through with it to solve an unrelated medical problem, I had to wait months and months before she relented. No matter how many times I told her that I don't want to have children, the response was the same: "You never know..."

I'm a grown woman of 35. I know. I KNOW!

Well I have one child and out of my friends I was the first one to have a child at the age of 29. Our female friends range from early 20's to early 30's and I find when trying to meet other mom's or shopping I get a lot of phrases like "Is she your 1st?" implying that I would want another of course or "Is she your only one?" with a tone of that's too bad. So although I am not childless, my social group is and I can relate to this issue not only through them but from the social and media pressure I feel to have another.

The reasons why childless get a bad rap:
1. it isn't as common, popular of a decision

2. it goes against how you got here, your family may feel jilted. In some primal, medieval way it always kinda freaked me out to think that my individual, fabulous, wonderful, spectacular genes would not go forth. Especially when i look back at my family's heritage, it took so long for us to get here, even if here is or is not so wonderful. I am aware that this is somewhat neurotic.

3. having kids is a sacrifice of mind body and soul, and damn it you should suffer too. Society loves misery and conflict and kids are a serious source of this. Childlessness is usually a result of a smarter female society. More educated women don't do it.

I waited until my mid 30s to have my one son, the only progeny i will ever have. I never felt older as when being "treated" for my pregnancy. In a society where you may not finish your education until you are in your late 20s, the clock becomes a bomb when looking for a mate.

Serious question, if you decide against children, do you believe in getting married? As the biological urges for men suggest against monogamy, the biological urges for women suggest a desire to change mates every three years. Certainly we don't have to act on them, but people change and people don't often change together in the same way, or allow others to change as they need, which goes against a life long marriage. In their search for knowledge, smart women are more susceptible to change. If not for the baby, I would never get married.

P.S. Please don't abandon friends with kids, even though they can't give you as much attention as they once did.

I love that finally, the subject of not having children, is going public. When I talk about not wanting kids, people always tell me "I used to say the exact same thing when I was your age!!" Of course, these are the women in my family who have 2 or 3 kids and are stay-at-home mothers. I admire women for having children and for choosing to raise them and everything but it's now at all what i want. It's not that I hate children (although I find them very annoying) it's that I feel that I have been put on Earth for something else. I don't feel like I am meant to be a mother. It makes me happy to see that you are actually putting this subject in a public spehere. This is great! I am looking forward to reading more. Thanks!

I came across an article today that made me think of your blog and thought I'd pass it on. It (briefly) considers how pre-conception care does not consider women as much as their future imaginary children, even for those not planning to have kids.

http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2011/02/03/pre-conception-care-good...

This is great. I am going to bookmark this blog. Here is an old geezer's point of view. I never intended to make being childfree an issue. I always felt it was my choice. But as I went through life I found I had to defend my decision because others made it into an issue for me.

I will be 65 next week and I have heard it all when it comes to the arguments, cajoling, accusations, bewilderment and insults as a reaction to my decision to remain child-free. People have been rude and intrusive as if my choice not to have kids had some effect on them personally. I never meant to be a parent or child basher but sometimes it does come out because it's only human to lash out at what torments you or at the object of that torment.

But that was only a small part of my life. And the older I got, the more adept I became at defending my position and I learned to shut down the most adamant of those who challenged my position. People say it is selfish not to have kids but I think it is just the opposite. It is so much easier to go with the flow than swim against the current.

I am proud of the growing number of young women today who have made that decsion and are not afraid to defend it. Having children should be a choice; a well thought-out choice. The decision not to have them should be as equally applauded as the decison to have them. I think we are heading toward this goal.

Why do the moomies get to say anything they want but the childfree have to completely censor themselves?

I stumbled across this discussion and found it fascinating. As a guy, I am largely spared the woe when l reveal to my nearest and dearest I want to be childfree. They take it to be a rather odd but not outrageous proposition. My sex insulates me from the horrible stories of accusation and disappointment seen on this blog. This is unfair.

However, apart from the sexist element, I don’t think that the reaction of people in general to the thought of being childfree is so extreme. Having children, for many people, is one of the more rewarding and pleasurable experiences in their life. This is attributable to many reasons (not half of which I would pretend to know or understand), some of them linked to biology – that unyielding pedagogue. This makes having children, for many, an ‘important thing’. Challenge anyone who believes strongly in something and they will often get upset or defensive. Shunning their passion is paramount to shunning them.

Moreover, having children is almost universally practiced (which is not to say universally enjoyed), this overwhelming majority makes it difficult for the voices of dissent (us) to be heard. Many people will question your decision because, in their lives, they didn’t even see or hear of the existence of a choice.

We need to promote the childfree, to stop feeling guilty or odd, we need to make our decision and move forward. As more people step up and lend their voice to the childfree movement – we are already seeing more and more childfree leaders and public figures – acceptance will grow. For now, be proud of your childfree status, accept that the barbs and pity launched at you by incomprehending parents are no more than relics and superstitions, and know that your choice is neither selfish nor selfless nor anything else, it is just your choice.

Did this blog ever get off the ground? I can't find any posts after the first one.

I always knew I didn't want kids. The older I have grown, the more I have been subtly pressured by family members, colleagues and medical professionals. At 27, after being on the pill for 10 years, I attempted to schedule a sterilization procedure, only to feel ridiculed by the doctor like I was some kind of evil person. As I approached my 30th birthday, family members continually asked us when we are having kids, even though I have made it very clear in the past, that we aren't. Problem is, being direct and/or rude about the issue just makes me look like even more of a bitch. I am a very kind, loving, compassionate person and deserve respect for decisions regarding my own life and body.

I am a 40 year old woman who has chosen a child-free life. I don't see this as my defining characteristic. It's just a choice I made. I do enjoy spending time with children. I find them joyful and fascinating. I enjoy eating chocolate, too, but I am not going to buy a chocolate factory. That said, I sort of wish there was more mutual respect between those who have children and those who choose not to. It always seems to be an us vs them sort of issue when, the truth is, both parties need to exist. If everyone stopped reproducing, the human race would die out and if everyone started reproducing, we would most certainly be in a lot of trouble! I was not born with this "urge" to have children (or biological clock, as it's been called). I see it as nature balancing the human race.

I don't feel as though I am missing out in any way. I live with my boyfriend, in a house we own, with a nice little back yard and two affectionate cats. I am self-employed and my work keeps me insanely busy. I also help care for my mother who is ill.

I have no doubt that having children brings great joy to people. And I celebrate that! I hope that my choice can be celebrated, too, as they have brought me to a place of happiness in my own life.