If the incessant loop of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” playing at the grocery store hasn’t tipped you off yet, allow me: The holiday shopping season is upon us. And if you celebrate this time of year, this means you have approximately one month to buy everyone in your life a meaningful gift—and retailers won’t let you forget it. Hence, the holiday shoppings ads, which are now playing at a rate of approximately one thousand per minute. While some of these spots are kinda clever, others are downright terrible. That’s why were reprising an age-old Bitch blogs tradition, as timeless and hairy as Santa’s beard. It’s the Offensive Commercials Holiday Showdown! You know the rules: Four ads enter, one ad leaves. Watch these holiday commercials (if you can stomach them) and cast your vote for the worst yuletide offender.
Zales for Sex
Okay, at this point we all get the “subtle hints” embedded in your average holiday jewelry spot: Men should buy women diamonds and women should give men sex in return. Everyone is straight, and everyone plays by the rules. But leave it to Zales to hit us over the head with it. THOSE CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR MEAN SHE HAD SEX WITH HIM TO THANK HIM FOR THE DIAMOND YOU GUYS. Yeah, we get it.
Hallmark Mail Call
This commercial is not only annoying in its girly gifting (of COURSE the girl writing to Santa wants a tutu, a pink bike, and a princess doll) it also contains so many obnoxious Christmas tropes designed to tug on the heartstrings just to sell us some junk. Ho ho ho! Buy an expensive card instead of writing a letter and Santa will bring you pink crap you don’t need! Bah humbug.
Sexist Sears Baby
Silly dad, no woman would ever want a drill for Christmas! This ad does double duty by reinforcing gendered gift ideas and reminding us that dads are incompetent doofuses (even the baby knows she wants earrings, duh).
Similar to this Asda ad, UK supermarket chain Morrisons went for some realism this season: Christmas can be expensive, stressful, and depressing. This commercial never lets up! The woman is beside herself with holiday despair. It might be refreshingly honest if it didn’t end by saying she “wouldn’t have it any other way.” If you’re a mom, Christmas SHOULD make you miserable! Now carve that turkey and quit complaining, Lady Grinch!
Seen another holiday ad that deserves a spot in the showdown? Leave it in the comments, because with a month of shopping days left we just might have to do another round before it’s all over. Happy Holidays!