Raising Trouble: Girls vs. Boys

I've got numerous theories, backed up and not, for the reasons adoptive parents would prefer girls, but for now just wanted to voted against the mantra "you get what you get and you don't get upset." What human being follows that or even aspires to it? I suggest we get very upset by whatever upsets us, however irrational that upset may be, and then we figure out if it's the kind of upset you just experience and move on (like getting the green shovel instead of the red one, or having a child with a penis instead of a vagina) or if it's the kind of upset that requires major revolt.

I hate the idea that kids shouldn't get upset because then adults will feel they have to do something about it, when 1) it's not the kids responsibility to not get upset because then his/her caregiver will feel guilt/pressure and 2) just because a kid gets upset doesn't mean a caregiver has to do anything different.

Maybe it's the west coast jewish diva in me, but I've always believed in getting upset, acknowledging the upset, and then, depending on the situation, either start a revolution or, as my own favorite saying goes, "buck up."

I have two boys and I've heard time and time again that I'm so lucky because girls are so much harder - "they're so emotional." Boys are just as emotional, we (as a society) just teach them to bottle it all up and not show it. I've also heard sympathy for having two boys since they are so loud and rough, etc. etc. Two sweet little girls would apparently be easier...until they become teenagers and you have to worry about pesky things like teen pregnancy (which apparently is only a concern for the parents of girls).

I think the rescue fantasy idea may be close. A sweet little girl with no home may inspire more sympathy than a little orphan boy. Boys also have the reputation for being louder and messier, while girls are supposedly more quiet and organized. My brother has four little girls and when you get them together with my two boys, they are all just as loud, messy, emotional, and aggressive as the next. While I recognize that there may be natural differences between the sexes, I think for the most part it's all stereotypes and societal pressures that we internalize from a very young age.

One thing I do worry about with having two boys is whether I will be as involved with my grandchildren. It's no secret that women take the dominant role in childrearing, and there seems to be a preference for the maternal grandmother (the mother usually trusts her own mother with the kids over her mother-in-law). I wonder if I'll be on the sidelines.

I don't know if that's a possible reason for choosing girls, or maybe it's just that the primary decision-maker in the adoption process is the prospective mother - who may have a preference for having a daughter.

If I were to have biological children, I'd strongly prefer they be boys, because girls are extremely unlikely to pass on the family name. If I were to adopt, I'd prefer girls, because if their birth parents did any pre-natal damage to them they're less likely to be aggressive against me than boys are.

This study doesn't mention that fact that white parents adopting African-American babies was STRONGLY discouraged for many years. The National Association of Black Social Workers, in 1972, likened whites adopting black children to “cultural genocide.” And now white adoptive parents of non-white children are urged to "reculturalize" themselves as much as possible to include history/language/contacts with people of the child's race/cultural experiences in their lives. Not that this is unreasonable and all for the child's benefit -- but it's a lot of WORK for people who have already been down the painful road of infertility treatment.

Second, it doesn't mention that the reason a lot of children "wind up" in foster care is NOT that they aren't chosen to be adopted as infants, but that the state makes every effort it possibly can to keep the child with biological relatives, even if they are unwilling/unfit. Very often these situations are disastrous and the child ends up with an attachment disorder, abuse issues, or other mental illness by the time s/he is available for adoption. Of course people prefer children who have been less likely to be exposed to these situations.

Also, if a pregnancy is in its very early stages, there is a lot of time for the birth mother to change her mind. A LOT.

Third, the myth of "crack babies" is still going strong, even though drug use is not limited by race.

Fourth, I do think there is some cultural trope about the helpless (i.e. feminine) baby being desirable, and perhaps less likely to "seek out her own heritage some day" than a boy who "must find his own identity." Women, in other words are more amenable to being "written upon" than men are, and are more likely to stay close to their parents throughout life.

Finally, yes, boy babies are more likely to have behavioral and health issues because of the weaknesses inherent in having a Y chromosome. Having a double XX means that you have a better chance of a troublesome gene being unexpressed (i.e. hemophilia.) Being an XY is quite risky from a genetic point of view.

I hope this helps.

My parents specifically asked for a girl. Why? Because they had just adopted a boy. I dunno, I never found it particularly horrifying. It was kind of nice to know my parents actually wanted a girl.

How about basic math? In 2009, Americans adopted 3001 children from China. 90% of those children were girls. When you add in the additional costs of international adoption (at least one round trip flight, sometimes two, LOTS of national level paperwork for both countries, the costs of translators etc.) it is not surprising that the extra girl adoptions from China will influence the stats more heavily.

I've wanted to adopt a kid for as long as I can remember, and I've always wanted a girl. It has nothing to do with which is easier to raise or temperaments -- rather, I first learned about international adoption from the situation in China, where girls are abandoned much more often than boys.

Now that I've grown up into a raging feminist, I specifically want to adopt a girl from a country that oppresses and devalues women, in order to give one person a chance at an education and a life of choice she wouldn't have in her home country. I know young boy orphans face a life of hardship, too, but when I hear about Afghani girls getting attacked on the way to school, girls sold as sex slaves in their early teens, socialized rape, arranged marriages, etc etc etc, how could I NOT specifically want to adopt a girl?

I think this is a great post, but several the of the comments kind of skeeve me out.

Adoption is not a rescue effort, or shouldn't be. Adopt because you want to have a child, not because you want to "save" one from their own culture. If you already devalue a child's culture, you're not in a position to raise that child with a strong cultural identity.

The idea that a preponderance of women who place children for adoption are on drugs or irresponsible during pregnancy, or somehow genetically suspect? Offensive.

The idea that adopting a female child means you'll automatically get a 'girl'? Inaccurate.

Sex does NOT equal gender, and placing expectations on a female child that she will fill the "We want a girl" niche in a family or perform society's requirements for her sex seems to cut against the basic tenants of feminism.

This is quite ridiculous. In the first paragraph she states "that girls were one-third more likely to attract the attention of adoptive parents than boys" which means that two-thirds choose boys! So the rest of the article is complete nonsense! Do you understand maths at all??

Actually I had an answer all laid out, but I have one more question myself. Are these findings based on private or state adoptions? Are a majority of these findings based on adoptions of solely newborns? Or does it include adoptions ranging from newborns to teenagers? What is the percentage of children up for adoption?

If it's a range I would guess that boys can be perceived as more difficult to raise. Especially if they come from an abusive environment. I would tend to agree that girls are more prone to being perceived as needing rescuing as well. Our society already shows the roles of women being raised to be more dependent, from first steps being encouraged to come to a parent as opposed to boys who are encouraged to walk away from a parent.

There's so much more information that is needed here.