Sex and the Fat Girl: Ask a Fat Girl

Tasha Fierce
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Tasha Fierce is a writer living in the occupied Tongva territory known as Los Angeles. You can follow them on Twitter at @tashajfierce and read more of their work on their website.

We’re trying out a new feature on Sex and the Fat Girl, in which you get to ask me questions about sexuality, body image, etc. and I answer them here, in future posts. You can ask anonymously, and ask anything, but if your question is hateful toward fat people or has to do with fat being negative it won’t get answered, so don’t bother. I think it’s important for people to be able to be open about sexuality, specifically fat sexuality, because it fosters a greater understanding of the issues surrounding negative body image and having sex as a fat girl (or guy, men are welcome to ask questions as well). If you have questions for me specifically, such as how I would handle a situation, what my experiences are with certain issues or my personal battles with negative body image and how I deal with that, feel free to ask those too. Of course, if it’s a little too personal I may not answer them here, but let me be the judge of that and go ahead and ask your questions. I may answer personal stuff like that on my own blog. However, pretty much anything goes with me.

So please, let your inhibitions down, get curious, and start asking! Here’s the link to the page where you can submit your questions: Ask a Fat Girl. Or, you can use the form below. I think this will be exciting, and I can’t wait to get this conversation going.

[Note: Formspring seems to only allow questions to be 250 characters long, so if you have a longer question, please break it up into parts and indicate that you’re doing so. Thanks.]

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17 Comments Have Been Posted

"Fat"? Really??

As a "plus-size" (size 16) 36-year-old woman, I am and have always been (even when I was a smaller size) put off by the word "fat" to describe people who aren't thin. It's just too often used hurtfully. Is "fat", like "bitch" something we're reclaiming, and I'm just tragically unhip?

The word fat

The word fat is a descriptive word, not a derogatory word. It only is derogatory if it is used that way. If we teach our children and our selves that it isn't an offensive word then it wont be. For instance when a child brings it to my attention that I am "fat", I just say "yes I am, and you are shor and I am tallt, and I have black hair and you have __ hair". We all need to take that word and strip it of its negative connotations. Thats just my two cents. :)

I actually talked about this

I actually talked about this in my previous column here, "Size Matters". You might want to read it if you're interested. Just click on my profile link.

This is the area in which I

This is the area in which I am a very bad feminist and a very bad influence. I Hate my body. Hate. There is not a piece of me that I can not tell you there is something wrong with. I am 5'4 and 150lbs. I had a baby over a year ago so I'm all flabby and disgusting. I want to lose weigh but i lack the motivation. More than anything I'd just like to be able to love the huge-tummied, thin-legged, flat-butted, big-nosed woman I am anyway. I know why I struggle wiith these issues, I just don't know how to get over them. I keep comparing myself to what I think a pretty or sexy woman should be, Ecspecially when sex is involved. How do You give up the image of beauty and sexuality that has been a part of our livesfor so long and start loving he body you have? How does one put away the ideal and decide that they are worthy of pleasure?

I will

I will add this question to the list!

Thank you :)

Thank you :)

I asked this same question on

I asked this same question on one of the first posts! But I think it got lost in the comment deluge. Thanks for asking it again!

I know how you feel. I was

I know how you feel. I was thin most of my life until now. I'm 34 years old, 5'4, and 220 pounds. And I don't have motherhood as a good excuse for the weight gain! It's very hard to love the new "me" but I try very hard. It has been very hard to adjust to shopping at "fat" stores and get used to the way men don't look at me anymore. And until now I didn't realize that people perceive fat people differently when it comes to sexuality. I have sex the same way I always did, just with less confidence. Any advice that can be given I will appreciate very much!

I'll try

I'll try to compact your statement into a question and put it on the list.

hating one's body b/c of fat and illness

I hate my body, too. I used to LOVE my body when I was 11-13 years old. I did yoga and played soccer. Not only did I feel beautiful and sexy, but I felt "in-tune" with my body. Then, I got sick when I was 13 with fibromyalgia and CFS. I put on 30 pounds in one month thanks to medications. By the time I was 15, I hated my body, not just because my muscles and joints were in constant pain, but because society tells me I'm ugly because of my weight. Is there anyway I can try to come to peace with myself, despite my weight and illness? I'm sorry if this oversteps the scope of your blog!


Hey y'all, the Formspring page is only allowing questions to be about 250 characters long, so if your question is longer than that, please add "(con't)" or denote that you'll finish it in another question and then do so. Thanks!

I've noticed that several

I've noticed that several posts, both here and in "Size Matters," that the concept of weight/size and visibility often comes up, more or less along the lines that fat women are "less visible" socially and sexually, and that losing weight ostensibly has the effect of gaining that visibility back. However, I've always felt the opposite, that larger women, to me, seem more sexual (for better or for worse) and more visible, and thinner women are less so. This is likely riddled with thin privilege and some form of fatphobia, and for that I apologize, but it's still the way I feel. In fact, much of my own personal struggles with body image and weight have been about being less visible by being thinner. Therefore, much of the body image material that has been available to me is incredibly unhelpful to me (no criticism to you, Tasha). I was wondering: am I like the only person on the planet who feels this way? Do you have any thoughts on this?

I'll add it

I'll add it to the list!


How do you go about dating? How do you flirt and approach men? How do you deal with extremely negative responses if you do flirt with or approach the wrong kind of person? Have any of your sexual partners reacted oddly/badly to stretch marks (if you have them)?

To Meh

Hi Meh,
I no longer identify as fat, but puberty and weight gain left me with some stretch marks, and none of my sexual partners (all male) have said anything or reacted negatively to them. A lot of people, men and women, have them for different reasons. Hope this helps!

I'm 30 and have had two short

I'm 30 and have had two short term relationships in my life. I know they've been attracted to me because of my outgoing nature and confidence. But, when I'm the opposite in the bedroom, I can't articulate my needs, whether it's touch me there, or don't touch me there, I can't say I want to wait to have sex. I think it's because I feel like I have to take what I'm offered. I have to do what they want, to keep them happy, so they'll stay. I totally clam up and just let whatever is going to happen, happen. How do I get confidence in the bedroom that I have elsewhere in my life?

You "have to take what's

You "have to take what's offered" because your self-esteem is in the toilet. If some guy will have sex with you only because you are a submissive, that says more about his selfishness than about your neediness. The LAST thing you need in your fragile state is some Short-time Johnny. You have to resolve that your own self-worth is independent of your poundage. And yes, it will be damn tough to make that stick. You want the same thing that any normal woman wants: to be loved, to be held, to be honored as a whole, not lusted after merely as a collection of various body parts. But you have to stick to your guns- else you will vend yourself as a commodity. Hold out for the man who will value you, not merely exploit you. No, that won't be easy. But it is the only long-term path. Remember, the bait you use determines the fish you get.

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