A new app for the French Android market proposes to answer that very question, by leading the user through a series of twenty questions about their son’s interests, personal style, and relationship to “diva singers.” If the app determines the child in question is a heterosexual, a message is displayed stating “”You do not have to worry, your son is not gay! There is a chance for you to be a grandmother with all the joys it brings,” otherwise the message becomes “No need to look the other way! He is gay! Accept it!” (Worst Choose-Your-Own-Adventure ever, amirite?)
I think this app is only the beginning of dynamic digital content engineered to answer the burning questions of our daily lives. I’d like to announce I am seeking venture capital to develop the following apps across multiple platforms:
“Where is That Smell Coming From?”
“Should I Get Streaks?”
“Does This Look Infected To You?”
“Am I Scottish?”
“Where is My Cat Right Now?”
I’m particularly proud of that last one—you simply outfit your feline friend with a homing beacon and the app tells you whether you are hot or cold, all the while insulting your species and your abilities as a hunter.
In all seriousness, I doubt that many people will feel the need to shell out good money to find out if their son is gay using such suspect methods. But I imagine some desperate young men will buy it themselves and be taught they can change their sexuality by suppressing their gender identity. Some young gay men will be identified as straight because they enjoy stereotypically masculine activities and some young straight men will once again hear the message that every activity that isn’t Shark Punching or Lady Ogling is, like, the gayest thing ever. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! The choice is completely up to you! You can either pass the test or witness your sainted mother bawling her eyes out about never having grandchildren! As she clutches empty photo albums and screams “The App told me to accept it but I can’t!”
My proposal: make an app that asks parents questions like “Is your son primarily attracted to men?” or “Does your son identify as gay?” Because those are really the only relevant questions.