The Bitch Living Fossil Hall of Fame:
Rules for submitting your very own celebrity/public figure to the record for a chance to read on the next BitchRadio Podcast! To hear the inaugural Bitch Living Fossils Hall of Fame segment, check out our most recent episode of the podcast: The Dark Noise podcast.
To induct celebrities and public figures in the Bitch Living Fossil Hall of Fame. A celebrity is placed in a category in relation to their revolutionary progress or arrested development. The person nominated need not be living! Keep a light heart in the process.
- A Celebrity Legs Profile can accomplish several objectives:
- To give context, character and definition to a favorite celebrity
- To justify and give context to a prediction of celebrity longevity
- To explain the celebrity longevity of a particular living fossil
- To justify a claim that an individual has achieved undeserved celebrity
- To justify a claim that well deserved celebrity has been denied to an individual
- To propose the modification or creation of a new Celebrity Legs Category
- To go on the record, formal like, with some other celebrity-related opinion
- To take issue with a Celebrity Legs Profile entered into the record by another party
Celebrity Legs Categories
One Trick Pony
The One Trick Pony is undeniably but narrowly gifted with one original “trick”. It is sure to ascend to celebrity but is then doomed to fade, before long, into obscurity on a schedule tied to its fans’ attention span, as its novelty is at first noticed, then gains favor, rides a wave, and eventually grows tiresome. Fans
eventually lose interest and, like a crow, turn to the next shiny object that catches their attention.
>>Examples: Arsenio Hall, Bob Hope, Vanilla Ice, Britney Spears
Train Wrecks are One Trick Ponies who see their imminent fall coming and, in the desperation of knowing they don’t have another trick to offer up, they postpone their fall by finding a way to make a spectacle of
Train Wrecks engage in humiliating side-show activities that have nothing to do with their art, but which instead highlight flaws and disasters in their personal lives. Their objective is to distract fans who have a growing realization that the celebrity’s original “trick” is getting old, and that they have nothing for an
If the Train Wreck fails to deliver regular teasers AND, eventually, a bona fide melt down, bloodthirsty fans eventually lose interest and move on anyway.
>>Examples: Anna Nicole-Smith, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton
Also known as “Living Fossils”, The Shit are One Trick Ponies on steroids. They demonstrate raw talent, raw star power, charisma and native ability so colossal that it cannot be denied, made obsolete, or duplicated. The Shit are such masters that their shine just refuses to fade.
The Shit do not need to add variety, change with the times, or be on the lookout for newer and flashier ways to do what they do. They just continue to do that one trick, and it continues to delight us, and they do it better than anyone else, whether others read the
futility of the situation and just leave the Savants alone, or try to compete with the Savants and are tossed aside like flotsam.
>>Examples: The Rolling Stones, Woody Allen, Dolly Parton,
To hell with artistic integrity and individual identity and dignity! Clock the enemy (the cubs of the New Order), then try to “pass” by being more like “them” than they are. Shape Shifters pay attention to what is currently fashionable, and they make use of it. They do not imitate other celebrities or steal from them, so much as they create something new within the context of what is already fashionable. So while it is
not dishonest, and while it may APPEAR edgy, it is safe, ordinary, and accessible. It does not challenge the fans, or ask them to step out of their comfort zone to appreciate it. Once the layers of bullshit are peeled off, boring. In the end, failure of Shape Shifters is likely, and the serial Shape Shifter will ultimately seem more desperate and pathetic than the One Trick Pony who has undergone a natural, but dignified decline to obscurity.
>>Examples: Elvis, Madonna, Justin Timberlake
Innovation is the most difficult path because it requires a lifetime of integrity, courage, creativity, and risk. In brief, holding on to relevance with innovation is accomplished by being a part of the creation of tomorrow’s style and fashion rather than reflecting today’s style and fashion. It demands that the celebrity position themselves in that uncomfortable place just a bit ahead of the curve and ahead of their
audience, rarely giving the audience what it wants or what it has had before, but instead challenging it to move forward, into uncharted territory, to find something new and fresh that the Star Child has to offer…something they will eventually find has real substance and staying power.
This kind of celebrity is always a little bit of a mystery and an enigma to fans. We are always a little bit uncertain about them, wondering what they are going to do next, where they are going to take us. Will it work again? Or will they bomb this time? They have to grow and grow over the years. They have to know and pay respect to fashion and trends, adapting and incorporating from it enough of it to keep the masses engaged, but never becoming a slave to it.
>>Examples: Bjork, The Beatles, Virginia Woolf
Any combination of the above Categories. In the real world, who is any one thing?
Does your celebrity defy all of these categories? Is there somewhere she’d be more ‘at home’? The Wild Card category allows you to create your own. Give it a title and go to town!
How to submit
We’d like to invite you to bring your own favorite “living fossil” candidate to the table by doing the following:
- In 300 words or less, make your case for why your candidate is worthy of induction into the BLFHF. Be sure to make your case based on the celebrity category that you identified.
- Include your name (how to pronounce it) and your location (That town, USA)
- Have fun with it and listen to the next podcast to find out who the winner is!
- Type it below or write to firstname.lastname@example.org