The Dating Game: Sluts Don't Get to Be Happy

Megan Carpentier
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If you haven't heard, there's only one possible result when you're a "slut"—particularly if you have the audacity to do it without shame and—clutch your pearls, ladies—talk about it in a public forum.


Who would want the cow when he can have the milk for free, we're told (because, like cows, we women apparently have no intrinsic value—we're just about what we can provide for others). No man would want a pre-used vagina forever when he can till that earth himself for the first time without wondering if someone else had a bigger plow or a surer hand. "Sluts" (you know, women who have sex) are either incapable of love, or incapable of being loved—or both, really. Sluts are insecure women who constantly seek self-esteem through multiple dickings when everyone knows that real self-esteem comes from keeping your legs closed. And if you had the audacity to sleep with someone else's boyfriend or someone else's husband, of course you're a tempting slut that he just couldn't resist and it's all your fault and karma will getcha and slut slut slut slut slut.

Think all of that is bullshit? Slut.

The question none of the myriad slut-shamers and finger-pointers and moralizers ask is: what slut (or, ahem, person) would want a dude who thinks that sex is equivalent to milk from a cow, or who wants us not to know whether we're getting good sex, or who thinks us incapable or unworthy or love based on our sexual history, or who would prefer that we "hold out" for the sake of making someone love us? Because the answer is—and should always be—fuck those people (but not literally). It is not worth it to be in a relationship with someone who isn't interested in you as a person or who places so much emphasis on who else you slept with that he can't notice the person he's sleeping with—or that the person you are currently choosing to sleep with is him.

And yet, every time a woman with a public history of unabashedly fulfilling her sexual needs get married—my former colleague Tracie at Jezebel and Jessica Cutler of Washingtonienne infamy come to mind—the slut-shamers come out of the closet to cluck their tongues and insist that women "like that" can never be and don't deserve to be happy. Because, you know, sluts. When someone like Jaclyn writes that she enjoys —you know, because only sluts enjoy sex with someone other than their long-term relationship partner—having sex outside of a relationship, they'll shout that she'll never be happy because, you know, slut. And sadly, disgustingly, a lot of those people clutching their pearls and pointing their fingers and gearing up to (metaphorically) burn the witch are women.

Look, there are lots of unhappily coupled people, lots of unhappily chaste people, and lots of unhappy people who played by the supposed rules of keeping their knees together and still ended up single. It's a fucking crapshoot. If there's any kind of goal in dating, it is (or should be) to find someone that you like, who likes you and with whom you can have a relationship that works for both of you. It's not a goddamned rollerderby contest with a bunch of hardened sluts elbowing you out of the way to get to the limited supply of cock. Cock is not an endangered species, nor are all women out to get it. And there's not one type of dude that all women like, or one type of woman that all dudes will like. People are individuals. Needs are individual. Relationships are unique. And no one has a crystal ball, and there's no higher power waiting to mete out punishment to sluts for enjoying themselves. 

Besides which, the healthiest thing you can possibly do for yourself is to never judge your relationship (or lack thereof) based on other people's. Someone you don't like can be happy and it likely has nothing to do with you. Someone with different values than you can well find happiness with someone who has similar values to them. But unless you want to be that other person in a relationship with their partner, you're just allowing yourself to focus on the wrong things—and missing out on what else is around you.

[Image via vernhart on Flickr, Creative Commons licensed]

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83 Comments Have Been Posted

Right on.

As a former slut, and currently HAPPILY, monogamously married person, I love this article. My husband got a lot of 'milk' before we were married, too, but he likes mine best. Also, he likes talking to me, appreciates my perspective on things, and, oh yeah, loves me for me. Everyone deserves that, and no one deserves to be made to feel shame for taking pleasure in the world (and people) around them. The world will be a better place when everyone loosens up and gets laid all they want. No shame, just (safe) sex.

Thank you for being honest...

I've dated several good girls and it's never improved my relationships with them because they have other friends whom they share sexual interests...and that leaves me out of something we can both enjoy.
I currently have a slut girl friends who I really love and enjoy spending time with. I know more about her than any of those good girls who never talk about their real selves.
This openness that I share with her would really improve my relationship with women. If this topic is left quiet most likely the other person will find a secret life.

I've learned allot from her, and would like to some day spend the rest of my life with her.

If you can both openly discus these things your secret lives wouldn't break you apart.

Thank you for sharing your history...


The brightest and most interesting woman I believe I have ever met, who is also very sexy, revealed to me that she was a slut, which made her even more interesting; yet I am a bit uncomfortable with this revelation. All my life, ALL the sluts I've slept with and known pretended to be Madonnas--not knowing that I knew they were sluts. This is unusual indeed. I suspect that a majority of the slut-shamers are either active or latent sluts that just cant come to terms with their innate nature. Therefore they deflect detection by shaming their fellow sluts--the typical behavior.

Yeah, because the guy she was

Yeah, because the guy she was seeing before you abused her emotionally for enjoying sex, sent out naked pictures to all of his friends and left her high and dry to the point where she was close to suicide. Why don't you google how many young women have committed suicide because they were labeled a slut, and ironically enough many are virgins.

Admitting you are a slut is like admitting you are gay. It's much easier for women to stay in the closet until she really knows and trusts a man, which is typically never because most of you are not trustworthy. Instead of analyzing the kind of person she is, everything she has going for her, you are obsessing if your cock is the only one to touch her precious flower. You will never find true love when you are so self-obsessed and ignorant.

My opinion on the slut matter.

I have to say from experience It hurts when you REALLY fall in love with a slut without even knowing they are a slut. You love them so much and you do everything possible to satisfy all of her needs emotionally and sexually. Its just so hard to know and deal with the fact your not enough for that person and you will never be. Also the lies, oh man the lies making you feel and look like such a fool. You know her close friends know some of the shit going on behind your back. Sluts are no bueno in my book. The worst kind of slut are the one who want to be in a relationship with all the benifets of a secure loving relationship where you build her up, connect deeply and love each other on all levels, but then in secret she goes out and gets other dick on the side. The healthy thing to do is get out fast as possible and deal with all the pain she caused so you don't get too effed up in the head and have sleepless nights. I'm grateful sooooo grateful I got out of this relationship pretty fast after realizing what I was dealing with. I don't want to be too negative here cause the sex from my slut blew my freakn mind she had me so addicted to her it was crazy. So at least there is some positive to this story and that is i had the best sex ever. Also, as hard as it was i learned a valuable lesson. Im glad i went through it cause it taught me a lot about women and myself. Whatever I do in the future I will Keep my emotions out of the relationship when i find out she is a slut so I can just enjoy the sex part of the relationship.

One last thing

! Love sluts they make the world better:)

As much pain as they may cause....

Love sluts they make the world better:)

yeah,because the guy she was

I agree 100 percent with what you said, being labelled a slut is worse than having hiv. Really how can you truly judge a persons net worth by the number of sexual partners she has had. And the funniest thing though, the moment the slut word is let out in a bar, there are all kinds of men ready to jump and pounce on unsuspecting and in many cases innocent women who are not sluts at all. It is not right or fair at all. I have been dating a woman for the past five years and they have been the best five years of my life. Yes by many standards she could be considered a slut in the past. I believe the only reason she even told me about her past sex life was when we were out at New Years the slut word was thrown at my girlfriend and when i jumped in to defend her i was almost beaten to a pulp. I was lucky I had a black belt in karate and was able to defend myself and girlfriend. The individuals were eventually charged with being drunk and disorderly in a public place. It started to be one of my lowest points of my life that newyears weekend but it turned around to be the best of my life at the end. We talked alot that weekend and the a holes who called her a slut really didnt know my girlfriend at all. But she did open up and told me things i really didnt want to hear or listen too. I loved her enough at that point , where i extended my hand after leaving the hospital to her and asking her to be with me regardless. I just really didnt care about her past. Since that weekend we have never looked back and have become stronger in our relationship.

Sorry, there are double

Sorry, there are double standards..

One small example would be crying... Acceptable for women over many small things, not acceptable for men..I doubt many women would be attracted to guys who cried almost daily over any small thing.

I am pointing out that sex is vastly different for men and women.. That is how we are made.. Even the girl who says she has casual sex without emotions points out the sex she had was with people she was already emotionally connected to, her friends.

I have found that the most insecure women are the most sexual. Making a guy cum seems to be a quick fix for their insecurities. of course aftewards they feel like trash, or are so cold that they lack feelings completely.

I have NEVER met a secure, balanced, confident woman who could just have sex, get up, leave, and feel happy never seeing the person again.

Completely Agree w/ GM

Totally agree with your comment and especially the last statement!!!! The secure, balanced, confident woman rips herself up after a meaningless sex encounter. It takes days/weeks and lots of emotional support from her friends for her to rationalize away the mistake she made. I have never, ever met a woman who claims to view sex as emotionlessly as a man, and actually does.

Chill out

Someone's getting defensive! The secure, (emotionally) balance and confident woman doesn't degrade herself by having casual sex in the first place.

I've had sex with men, walked

I've had sex with men, walked away, and not cared one bit. And I got called a slut for it. If anything, it's the men who gripe when you do that and start bashing you for being cold. Or unbalanced. Or insecure. Because you had sex and you don't care. And you want more, with someone else. If you're a woman, you're pretty much going to get labeled as unbalanced and insecure no matter what you do, especially if you fool around with a dude you don't want to look at in the morning. And trust me, it happens all the time. To think otherwise -- that women are always emotionally attached to men they fuck -- is so naive. You reject a guy, you're a bitch. He complains and gets angry, you ignore him, you're a cunt. Then you have to call the cops on the douchebag. So sometimes it's better to chill out, feign that you care a little, smile, wave, whatever and then tear his business card up on the way out the door.

I have a high sex drive and the one response I get from men over and over again is that I'm abnormal. Then they start speculating that you're like a man, maybe have more testosterone than the typical female... and it's insulting. People should just stop analyzing and STFU. Enjoy sex, be semi-honest with one another and don't be douchebags. How hard can it be?

Dude you hit it on the head.

Dude you hit it on the head. An educated, tall, good looking guy is gonna marry a sweetheart not a slut. Of course there are exceptions but most of the time this is true.

Sure, he will marry the

Sure, he will marry the sweetheart and have an affair with a slut because the sweetheart is not exciting and sexy enough for him. Lol. Let's face it, if a woman tells you she is not promiscuous in this day and age, she is either a, a liar or b, she does not enjoy sex and never will. Hello Vaseline and Porn for the next 50 years dreaming about that slut you had a one-night stand with.

Don't get me wrong, there are "sluts" with mental issues of both genders but I have many friends that are educated, confident, fun, free, happy and successful and enjoy the pleasure and satisfaction of a man sexually. This is what it is about for most women. We have earned that and we deserve it just like men. Many of these women are in relationships, sure, and typically I would prefer one too but just like with men, sometimes you want to get it on whether it's with Mr. Right or Mr. Right now, the feeling is amazing. We are beating you in education, we work full-time and take care of the home typically, it's time to start treating us like your partner and best-friend, not your child that you feel the need to control.

It's such a shame, if men could just get out of their own way and tame their egos, they may actually find happiness and a true partner in life.

Lastly, I am dying laughing at the comment by the idiot who said, oh I have never met a woman that could walk away from casual sex and not let it effect her like men. Okay, yes, just like the lady above, I have had meaningless sex and literally never thought about the guy again. Typically it was in periods of my life where I was not emotionally available for a relationship (just like men we're more similar than you think when you take away the media and cultural propaganda).

Furthermore, when a woman does have a hard time detaching (and yes this has been me too) it's because we have this amazing thing called compassion and empathy and when you share your body with someone that told you they loved you and said anything and everything to get down your pants and then they leave you high and dry, disappearing like Houdini because of an archaic notion that women that enjoy sex are evil, man-eating witches that will eat your soul. You feel horrible. You feel used. You feel like a dispensable toy. I realize most men are sociopaths, but seriously don't do that to a woman. Be honest, if you are in it for sex, tell her and accept it like a man if she tells you I'm sorry, I want more. Simple really. Communication really will solve all your problems.

"And if you had the audacity

"And if you had the audacity to sleep with someone else's boyfriend or someone else's husband, of course you're a tempting slut that he just couldn't resist and it's all your fault and karma will getcha and slut slut slut slut slut."

Sure, the husband/boyfriend holds his own share of the blame, but it's still a dick move to sleep with some other woman's man.

Other-Woman Blame

is a major pet peeve of mine. I appreciate the way Megan laid it out with those words, especially the use of the word "tempting," because that's exactly the mindset that the media seems to have, and it degrades both men and women. Just look at the frenzy around Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie, which I thought was very boring specifically but wonderfully symptomatic of the Other-Woman Blame trope. "SHE STOLE JEN'S HUSBAND" is exactly the response that any other woman gets: "How DARE you be attractive to a man, slut slut slut; men are just objects to be taken, and you are a thief!" It is very, very fundamentally antifeminist, not to mention that it ignores the ways in which it can be terrible and victimizing to BE the other woman.

Here, you say "the husband/boyfriend holds his own share of the blame," so you're acknowledging that men have free will...that's good, I guess, but I'm still troubled by your comments. "It's still a dick move to sleep with some other woman's man?" Again: men are not <i>possessions</i>. Men, just like women, belong to themselves; they are not some "other woman's man" but are their own men with their own personally made commitments, and should be held accountable as such. And, oh wow, "dick move?" In other words, sleeping with someone in a manner you seem to find blame-worthy is a move <i>someone with a penis</i> would naturally make? Now THAT is revealing.

You're right; my phrasing

You're right; my phrasing did imply that it was something someone with a penis would do. I think it also qualifies as a swear, which isn't a good way to get my point across. Let me try again, using the phrasing suggested by the OP in her response to my comment.

"To [knowledgebly] sleep with a person who has a pre-existing commitment of monogamy to another person" is an act to be frowned upon when perpetrated by anyone of any sex and/or gender. It is an act of disrespect both on your part and on the part of the adulterer. While it is true that the third party has made no such promise to the cheater's significant other, he or she has still been a willful participant in an act of dishonesty and betrayal. If the act of infidelity is initiated by the third party, does not that person bear some of the responsibility? I believe in some states it is still possible to sue a man or woman for alienation of affection of ones spouse if it can be proved that the person in question actively pursued and seduced the betrayed spouse.

Perhaps I am wrong on this, but I do feel that there is or should be a moral obligation to seek sex elsewhere if one learns a potential partner has a commitment of monogamy.

"It is an act of disrespect

"It is an act of disrespect both on your part and on the part of the adulterer"

Rather, "an act of disrespect both on the part of the 'affair partner' or 'third party' and on the part of the adulterer." I tried not to use the word "you," but I missed that one.

Agree w/ Rabbit

lol lol~ love the response! And agree, but also understand that there are people who have a higher moral standard about respecting other people's relationship boundaries, and people who want to pretend that those boundaries don't exist. (I'd like to see if they got mad if I went to their house and called their parents "Mom and Dad." Well, you don't own your parents, do you?)

I came on this topic through a Google search wanting to read other experiences about feeling stuck up about not wanting to be friends with women who have different sexual morals (or, lack of sexual self-control), and this comment helped me feel better that there are other people who share my values.

Thankyou, thank you. I was

Thankyou, thank you. I was the so called "other woman" ["slut"] And was abused by the so called "wife" in these very terms. Devastating.

This is why people need to

This is why people need to let go of thinking that they own their partners' bodies. My partner and I share a polyamorous relationship. This means that we openly communicate with each other about when we think someone else is good-looking, or we have a crush on someone, or want to sleep with them, etc. I've never been happier!

That's great that you've

That's great that you've found happiness through being polyamorous, but to conflate monogamy with the idea of "owning your partner's body" is both inaccurate and offensive. My partner and I are free to do many things to our own bodies - deciding what to eat and drink, getting tattoos and piercings, exercising - that the other person does not have a say in.

However, there is a difference between these sorts of things, and engaging in sexual acts with a third party. Part of being in a monogamous relationship is the mutual agreement to be physically and emotionally committed to each other regarding sex and romance. It's not about ownership; it's about trust.

If my partner or I did not feel we could commit to each other in this way, we would not be the right people for each other. But being poly is not for everyone. I often hear polyamorous people (quite rightly) asking to be respected; as a monogamous person, I am only asking for the same thing.

monogamy and respect

Having been on both sides (as the partner who was cheated on as well as the other woman), I can only say: of COURSE it hurts when someone who you thought was committed to you in a certain way breaks his promise. However, YOUR PARTNER breaks his promise, not the third person (if she is a friend, it is a very different story, of course).

You can only betray someone that you have a certain kind of bond or agreement with; the third person has neither, she owes you no loyalty. She probably also doesn't know the exact terms of the agreement you have with your partner. She has her own feelings and reasons to act - most likely not cold calculation and schadenfreude at your misery (since she doesn't even know you), but attraction, a crush or even love.

Therefore, to be mad at her would, for instance, be similar to be mad at the person who got your job after you were fired, instead of being mad at the boss who treated you unfairly. These feelings arise, of course; they are mostly feelings of "what does this person have that I don't?", in other words, envy. And we do have them, but we are mostly aware that they are unfair. To coat them with moral indignation might make it easier for us, but it is not less unfair towards a third person who has literally nothing to do with us.

The one who HURT us, however, is our partner. He broke a promise, he destroyed our trust, he is the one who we wanted to act differently. If the third person would have said "no" with a determination --- isn't it still hurtful to think that our partner would have gone and done it, nonetheless, given a chance?

I think it can be a huge relief to be mad at the person he cheated with... but it's also very unfair and not morally justified at all.

If Woman A sleeps with a man

If Woman A sleeps with a man she knows to be married (to Woman B [who believes her relationship with the man to be monogamous, and who has no idea that he is out having sex with other women]), Woman A *does* share some of the responsibility for the resulting act of infidelity -- same as the married man in question. Why would anyone argue otherwise? Both actors being consenting adults, and fully aware of the man's marriage not being an open one, that is the only logical conclusion.

I'd argue instead that having sex with someone you know to be married, without first making arrangements with both spouses, would be extremely rude and disrespectful of *everyone* involved.

TO, TO everyone involved.

TO, TO everyone involved.

why? out of respect for the

why? out of respect for the institution of marriage?


Was this meant to be a response to my comment? Because if so, I don't get it.

If you just hit the wrong button, ignore me completely :)

no sorry, it wasn't. it was

no sorry, it wasn't. it was meant to be a response to rabbit's comment.

Not similar at all to being

Not similar at all to being mad at the person who got your job after you were fired. This person did not TAKE anything from you, they only got the job once you were not in possession of it anymore. It was not YOURS at the time of the taking. THIS is more on par with sleeping/having a relationship with a divorcee; you've only "acquired" (word used for metaphorical purpose only, NOT to imply ownership) that "asset" after someone else has previously had it but no longer does.

There's no leg to stand on

I love how you have no moral framework in which to hang your assertion that adultery is wrong, after having embraced the hedonism of feminism.

The logical conclusion to draw from the primary supposition that sex outside of marriage is no big deal, unless a "promise" was made to be monogamous, would be to treat that broken promise just as if they broke a promise to pick your laundry up at the cleaners.

I personally am deciding to live life as a celibate single man. I didn't sleep with women I wasn't married to. This had nothing to do with respecting or loving women. I don't think women who sleep around have "low self esteem".

The reason men and women abstain from sex outside of marriage is not out of love for women, it is out of love for men. I believe a man deserves to know that his wife had the self control not to cuckold him, or to steal his children from him to chase other men. Women know that they are the mothers of their children. If you can't handle that ALL men, including the ones who claim that they don't care about your past, prefer a woman without a past, then you are rejecting men as men.

Men and women who abstain love men. Men and women who sleep around
hate men.

That's Your Opinion

Everyone has "a past." It may not be sluttiness - it may be drug or alcohol abuse, stealing, lying - but some people do have the discipline and willingness to overcome their mistakes. Kenny, you seem extremely sensitive, perhaps too sensitive, so your choice to remain celibate is an appropriate one. The world of relationships today demands a degree of toughness from everyone that you clearly lack, along with a realistic view of societal trends, which you also clearly lack.

I've had the privilege of meeting many people through my line of work and talking to them about many things. Men who don't spend all day on the Internet whining about women and getting laid don't really care if the woman they like has a past. Maybe it's because most people have a past. Men are more open minded than you think, Kenny. You are sadly narcissistic and projecting your thoughts onto the entire male population.

It would seem to me that you need therapy, as you do not seem to have chosen celibacy naturally - you simply think that no woman is good enough for you. This is a classic symptom of a personality disorder. I advise you to quit trolling the Internet and seek professional help. You will be happier for it.

Amen....Love this break down

Amen....Love this break down of complex gender stereotypes and assertions... I feel freer just reading it

A husband does belong!

I can understand that a boyfriend doesn't BELONG to his girlfriend, but a husband has given himself to his wife and does belong to her. If a woman chooses to pursue a sexual relationship with a married man she is in fact a SLUT.

Yep. If the truth hurts, too

Yep. If the truth hurts, too damn bad.


sorry but yes.. if a woman knows that a man is married and she has an affair with that married man she is just as responsible. we are feminists? ok then fair is fair. then the woman who is conspiring with the married man to have an affair is just as responsible as the married man. slut and a whore. both of them apply and both fit.

A better way to phrase it

A better way to phrase it would be, "to sleep with a person who has a pre-existing commitment of monogamy to another person" -- assuming, of course, that the third party was fully informed about the existence of that commitment and the monogamy bit.

And I didn't say it wasn't a bad move -- it certainly has the potential to damage an innocent, which is bad news -- but it doesn't make the third party a "slut," unworthy of love, the aggressor or someone who doesn't "deserve" a happy relationship.

It's the partnered person who made the commitment to the relationship and monogamy, and it's that person's responsibility to keep to it. Blaming the third party is just a way to reinforce the stereotypes that men can't help themselves and it is women's responsibility to reign in the male libido by keeping their legs shut.

I agree that blaming the

I agree that blaming the third party is not helpful. However, I also do not hold the third totally blame<i>less.</i> Yes, the partnered person who chooses to cheat carries the major part of the responsibility, but to willingly collude in an act of betrayal is not cool, period.

The Third Party

Evidently I'm one of the few women who outright asked a man, before I went to bed with him, whether he was married, or in a committed relationship, or dating someone else who might be hurt by our association. It's not all that difficult to ask the question. If he lies, he lies -- but then again, that's one reason not to jump into bed with someone the moment you meet him; it's good to know a little more about him so you can gauge whether having sex will hurt a third person.

Yes, the commitment is between him and her -- but that doesn't mean that each man and woman shouldn't also be as responsible and caring as possible when deciding whom to fuck. I believe strongly in sexual freedom, and I also believe in not hurting people. Those two beliefs are in no way mutually exclusive. It's pretty easy not to go to bed with someone who is committed elsewhere. Four little words do the trick: "Call when you're single."

I believe strongly in sexual

I believe strongly in sexual freedom, and I also believe in not hurting people. Those two beliefs are in no way mutually exclusive. It's pretty easy not to go to bed with someone who is committed elsewhere. Four little words do the trick: "Call when you're single."

EXACTLY! thanks Joan for standing up for dignity and self respect. not only that but demonstrating that we women owe other women and our human beings some dignity and respect by not participating in behavoir that will hurt someone else. people, both partners, who participate in affairs make me sick.

It's the partnered person

<em>It's the partnered person who made the commitment to the relationship and monogamy, and it's that person's responsibility to keep to it. Blaming the third party is just a way to reinforce the stereotypes that men can't help themselves and it is women's responsibility to reign in the male libido by keeping their legs shut.</em>

This, a million times. I really appreciate the way you write about "the other person". It's very refreshing. Thank you!

<strong>Snarky's Machine, your friendly comment moderator</strong>
<a href="">Did someone say <em>Comments Policy</em>?</a>

"In real life as in Grand Opera, Arias only make hopeless situations worse." - Vonnegut.

Bigger Plow

"No man would want a pre-used vagina forever when he can till that earth himself for the first time without wondering if someone else had a bigger plow or a surer hand."

I've had my earth plowed by many a man. What a slut I am! And yet, knowing that didn't stop my GIRLFRIEND from being thrilled to have me. So you can take that plowshare and suck it, slut-shamers.


lol - well, a whole 'nother kind of slut slamming goes on with bi women. Good for you that you found a woman who doesn't mind. Many do. :(


slut, slut, happy slut, never felt bad about my experiences. It had no impact upon my self-esteem, I'm happy for each and every experience, all good, none bad and am now in a rockin monogomous relationship where hubby doesn't know about my past only because he's more sensitive about things of that nature. Knowing me know, he probably wouldn't care and would be appreciative of all that the experiences taught me not being timid about my body or how it feels at any given moment. If you don't want me because I've had too many partners (not that I'd tell you anyway) I don't want you because you probably haven't had enough. I really don't want a dullard in bed:-)

I hope that last statement

I hope that last statement was a joke. The biggest pressure on men that directly equates to the "slut" persona is that men must sleep with women to have worth, the more sluts the more of a man you are. It's a crippling problem and one that I think contributes in many ways to harming the image of women.

I agree wholeheartedly that

I agree wholeheartedly that women who have sex in or outside of a committed relationship are NOT dirty, bad, slutty people. Sex is fun. It is nice and can be great. Even doctors agree that having a happy sex life is part and parcel of well balanced (mental and physical) adult life. But just because you CAN have sex with someone's all-too-willing husband/partner does that mean we should? Is it never wrong? How many people out there have been cheated on? I have and it bloody sucks. I absolutely held him and his dick accountable for what HE did and broke up with him for it. But I don't feel like I can cheer for She Who Shall Not Be Named cuz she was simply getting her groove on. In this case she knew we were engaged and still decided to fuck my fiance.

I have been on the other side too. I could have had sex with men who were in a relationship but I didn't. I felt it was wrong and was more an act of female solidarity, feminist solidarity, not to screw other people's partners because as it has been said above, "There is no shortage of cock out there." And really, men cheat and screw us over often enough, do we really need to be screwing each other over in the bargain too?

Saying no doesn't remedy their situation.

<i>And really, men cheat and screw us over often enough, do we really need to be screwing each other over in the bargain too?</i>

I don't agree that by being an "other woman," one is screwing other women over. If someone has it in their mind that cheating on their monogamous partner is okay and desirable, s/he will probably do so; if one potential other woman says no, s/he'll keep looking. Even if an infidelity never takes place, the person had the attitude and willingness. It is a problem that the strayer created, not the other (wo)man, because a willingness to cheat is NOT inherent to being a man.

Do I think being an other woman is a good idea? Probably not, because the cheating party is more than likely inadequate at communicating with and/or respecting romantic/sexual partners. This doesn't mean that being an other woman is a moral failure; it means that by saying no to the men in relationships, you probably did yourself more of a favor than you did the partners of the straying.

I have to say, I am a huge

I have to say, I am a huge fan of "The Dating Game" series and always get excited to see a new post advertised on the main page. You consistently do a terrific job of articulating the insane pressure and expectations (whether someone else's or our own) surrounding dating and relationships - all while exuding a most refreshing quality that every other commentary on the subject seems to lack : Common f'ing sense.

This post in particular really resonates with me because for the first time in my life I am experiencing the total awesomeness of dating and having sex on my own terms. For years I stayed with a partner who blatantly disrespected my ideas and values surrounding sexuality and grew to resent me for my unwillingness to feel ashamed about them. While the "why" of my staying with such a fool is a conversation best left elsewhere, I have pondered it greatly now that I am back in this little dating game.

Presently, I am seeing/sleeping with a guy who I am comfortable with and attracted to, and I don't feel any need to "get more serious" or "discuss where it's going" as more than one friend has suggested with concern. The fact that I am thoroughly enjoying myself in a zone somewhere between friends-with-benefits and potential-next-relationship seems not to make a bit of difference: their worry lies in the sheer horror that I may not be taken seriously by some dude. This concept makes my brain hurt. What if my definition of "being taken seriously" includes having my sexual needs respected and met? Or am I supposed to forget I have any of those until I've convinced said dude that "no, REALLY, I think INTELLIGENT THOUGHTS and am MORE than what's between my legs! I'm going to make you wait because I'm NOT just some SLUT!" Um, I'm already well aware of and confident in those things, thanks. I'm not looking for a validation that I am a worthy person. I am looking for a counterpart who is secure enough in his own self-worth and evolved enough to appreciate mine. This is what we call mutual respect. And it kicks ass.

The so-called rules women are told to abide by in regards to "giving it up" are face-palm'ingly offensive. We are more than capable of making up our minds about who we want to sleep with, when we want to sleep with them, and what we want from the experience. There is nothing wrong with waiting to have sex for whatever reason you choose, but there is also nothing wrong with NOT waiting. It isn't "thinking like a man" as pop psychologist/sexperts sensationalize, but FEELING like a human. And you know what the great thing about feeling is? There's no wrong way to do it.

Preaching to the choir

Well, there are a lot of valid points here, but somehow through the wording I don't see this changing anyone's opinion. Lets face it, this is more a rant than an argument stated to sway other people.

Yes, I agree with the premise, but I don't see this as productive in the way that will help open the eyes of the "slut-shamers." It just seems like an anger article written by someone who has been targeted as a "slut."

And I just wanted to say, as to the "Why buy the cow" statement... I've also heard said , "Why buy the whole pig when you can get the little sausage for free!"

That's actually not

That's actually not completely accurate. Slut-shaming was something that I didn't realize was as pervasive a problem as it is until I read this article. Now I realize that I've contributed my fair share in denigrating other human beings by calling them such (although not ever to their face, but it does the same thing in terms of strengthening that culture). I also didn't realize how much this held power over me until I read this. I've stressed over the idea that I'm a "village bicycle" for years now, but it's only peripherally occurred to me until now that these were actions I should not be ashamed of. It's probably this insecurity that has contributed to me passing out labels like candy, when that's neither productive nor relevant.

As much as I don't want to say so, I *am* a slut-shamer. And this article opened my eyes. I feel ashamed for my contribution to the patriarchal system and angry that it was able to insinuate itself into my actions.

Thank you. And I'm sorry.

So glad to be wrong...

Thank's for the reply. I guess it ruffles my feathers a little when I see good points that are worded in such a way that few will hear.

As far as it still being common, well I guess I live in such a bubble that this isn't as much a reality in my world.

You buy the cow because you love the cow.

I love this post so very much. "Never judge your relationship (or lack thereof) based on other people's." It took me sooo long to realize this and just go hey...fuck everyone else. :)

And about the milk/cow line- I've always jokingly said, 'You don' t buy the cow for the milk. You buy the cow because you love the cow." I always thought that no one still believed that women should wait for their right man to have sex, because eveyone i ever told that line to laughed and agreed.

People Always Forget This

<blockquote>or that the person you are currently choosing to sleep with is him.</blockquote>

It does seem far too common that people get so caught up in "who were you with before?" "do I know them?" "do you still know them?" "were they better than me?" that they forget that she (he, they, schle, whatever) is in fact choosing to be with them, and presumably enjoying the experience if she's sticking with them.

It's not like you're the last guy (gal, whatever else) left in town she hasn't slept with and she's with you because no one's left.

Personally, when I date I really couldn't care less who the person's been with before, or how many of them there were before me. The only relevant talks on sexual history is the "you don't have anything I can catch, do you?" talk and the "what kind of things do you like?" talk.

People, on the whole, like sex, they enjoy sex - when done safely sex is even healthy - and people have sex, often with many, many people over the course of a lifetime.
Get over it.

Sex Positivity

I keep trying to get on the sex positivity wagon. I really am. But articles and comments like these leave a sour taste in my mouth. I don't want to be involved with a "slut" because I want to be involved with a man who has the same views on sex and relationships as I do. I don't want to be involved with a guy who was knowingly The Other Man as I consider that to be a serious knock on a guys character. From what I've read here today and else where that is considered judgemental. How is forcing your views of sex on other people "sex positive"?

The Male Role Model Belief System

As I see it, and I am just one person, at issue in the above post and replies is the image of me as a cow and a man as my purchaser. No, this is not a simplification. Because at the heart of this is my experience of being made an image by Male Role Model Belief System (a.k.a., Mr. BS). I have learned to be in my assigned gender role in many different ways. I've learned to cross my legs (because it is "ladylike"), to interrupt my conversation with a friend because someone has stepped over and wanted to talk (always accommodating others), to assume that my sexual pleasure was based on the size of a man's cock (dis-empowered sexuality). I have learned to control and coerce myself, to eggshell around others and not be my authentic self because that is what helped me get along (and, indeed, in many instances, to do otherwise would have put me seriously in harm's way). Whenever I would complain about--or even make note of--sexist attitudes or treatment, people would say, warningly, "You have to pick your battles." Yes, I know; I am picking this one!

If I am relying on these images to define myself and decide my actions, then I am not being my true, authentic self; and I, therefore, cannot allow others to be their authentic selves, either. I understand that there are times when it is absolutely essential that I employ these images and not show my authentic self. Being authentic is not always safe. And my safety is paramount. But I can now see and experience the difference when I am being authentic and when I am not.

Therefore, I no longer see myself as a cow nor see a man as a purchaser. No, I am not missing the point of this discussion. The point of this discussion seems to me to be all about images of woman as slut, bitch, cunt, whore. The flip-side of those images are the helpful doormat, the June Cleaver-smling, Stepford Wife warp of accepted womanhood. I am none of those things and all of those things. How can they both be true? From the inside out, I am a woman. I am kind and loving, open and honest; I stand up for myself and am unafraid of honesty and openness with others (authentic). From the outside in, I am a bitch who won't sleep with him, a cunt who thinks I am better than him, a slut who wants sex without a relationship, and a whore who actually has the audacity to enjoy sex without shame. I won't say anything if he growls when he walks through the front door and ignores my waiting arms, I'll have dinner on the table on time and will be available for sex at any moment.

I don't sleep with men who are not available. That means I ask them if they are in a relationship. If they are in a relationship and their partner is unaware that the man is going outside of the relationship for sex, then the man will not have my company in the sack. But one of the things I find very sad about all of this is that men are being cast as incapable of telling their partners that they are not getting their needs met in a relationship. Or they are not being honest with their partners that they are having sex outside of the relationship on a regular basis and might have an addiction. Why don't they do this? Because in the same way that I am not supposed to agree to liking sex, he is not supposed to agree to being vulnerable. If he shows his vulnerability, what then? To do so often feels fatal to a man. Men are just as much oppressed by the Male Role Model Belief System as women. But it is so ingrained that to fight against it would be to practically reject the very fabric of society. That is a HUGE risk! And that's why it's easier to fall into the imagery--it's comfortable, it's exceptionally familiar, and everyone else is doing it.

I have been, for the past several months, working hard at becoming my authentic self. I no longer rely on images of who I am supposed to be. It's not that those images don't still come up, and it's not that I don't fall into them. But I have begun to recognize when I do, and to come back into my authentic self--neither cow, nor slut, bitch, cunt or whore. Simply me.

Off Topic

That was a very nice essay. I wish you luck. But it had nothing to do with my comment. Please don't reply to a comment with something unrelated.

Off Topic?

Um. I guess I clicked the wrong "reply". Since the rest of my post was on topic for the majority of the other comments, I didn't think it mattered that it went under yours.

If I am missing some essential netiquette, I will be glad to be informed.


Sorry. It's just a pet peeve of mine.

I don't see where you're

I don't see where you're getting the idea that we support a man being "The Other Man." The discussion is mainly about the idea of who is to blame for a cheating event -- and that is the cheater primarily, and the third party only secondarily if at all. So that is somewhat unrelated to the basic idea. Ultimately, sex positivity is about not seeing sex itself as shameful, disgusting, dirty, or contaminating. A woman with sexual experience is not an "unclean" woman and enjoying sex doesn't make her a "slut." At the core, sex positivity is this: "Consensual sex is not a bad thing, and people who like it are not bad people." It gets more detailed than that, of course, but in the end, that's what it's about.

What is it about your views on sex and relationships that make a sexually experienced man undesirable? How do you know that a man who has had a great deal of sexual experience won't share your views?

I would draw a huge distinction...

... between a person who has sex with a lot of people, either serially or concurrently, and a person who has sex either,
A) with a person who claims to have an allegedly monogamous relationship with someone else, OR
B) with other people, after claiming to make a monogamous commitment to one particular person.

Trying to defend this kind of behaviour by calling it "slut shaming" is evasive. I would choose, instead of "slutty," for offenders male or female, words such as "dishonest," "cowardly," "disrespectful," "manipulative," and "selfish." Trying to excuse Behaviour A by whining, "well, the Other (Wo)man didn't break any promises," is disingenuous into the bargain.

And in my experience, people who are serial offenders of this kind are very rarely in the game just for the sexual pleasure of it all.

I'm all for people unabashedly gathering as much or as little metaphorical pork and dairy as they please, but I am definitely not going to excuse those who knowingly hurt others while so doing.

You said it perfectly. I

You said it perfectly. I don't care how much "pork or dairy" someone gathers as long as it's not hurting someone else. It's also ironic how when the script is reversed the "other " person who is lied to, dumped or betrayed because the guy/gal stated they broke up with their supposed ex-they are up in arms about it, livid, disgusted, betrayed. I've been there. When the person I was with at the time asked the "other" woman ( who thought I was out of the picture, that I had left him because of her-I did not) you knew I was not single when you met me so can you truly be that judgemental of my girlfriend? She did not have a real answer. It was all about her. That's why he chose me in the end. We had our problems, he was young, made a terrible mistake, he went to counseling afterwards etc- but she was so narcissistic and ultimately that's why he left her alone . So essentially it was okay when she thought she was getting one over on me, my pain did not matter- but when the tables were turned it was "how could you and she do this to me. How could you cheat on me" Then she was prank calling me, writing messages to me as if I had wronged her-though I was living with the guy before she was even a blip in the matrix. Then she hacked into my BF's Facebook account. I find the "other person" is usually a hypocrite at best. I have a great girlfriend who has admittedly slept with over a hundred guys and I never judged her because, she said " No matter how much I love men and sex, I would never knowingly sleep with another woman's guy and hurt another person like that" That's a woman after my own heart, love her...would never judge her.

The interesting thing is, I

The interesting thing is, I bet if you do a survey of the "other person" not one of them if they eventually settle down and got married would sympathize with the other woman/man if their spouse cheated. The main responsibility falls on the spouse but the other person is not innocent either. Anyone ever see Fatal Attraction, he was wrong as hell and I would probably have left his a!@, but she stalked him, terrorized his wife and child- how was she innocent!? Someone mentioned Sociopathic tendencies and I looked up the definition : Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires without concern for the effect of their behavior on others; unconcerned about the adverse consequences for others of one's behavior, pleasure seeking, remorseless. If you are the "other person" and recognize these traits in yourself I would like to ask what makes you any different from the description above? Same goes for a serial cheater. Because it's you and you're not like other people? You're somehow different or special, therefore exempt from treating others in a way you know you would want to be treated. I'm not being insincere, I'm just curious to know what makes you different form everyone else and seemingly entitled to help ( I use the word help because it is not only on you) add chaos and stress to someone else's life. I know I'm not going to get a real answer because its so easy for people not to reflect on their actions and to point the finger elsewhere. That's how you protect your conscience and probably your sanity, on some level. by not looking at yourself. I just don't get it and I guess this is just one of those mysteries of life.People continue to astound me with their cruelty and selfishness. I'm trying to understand the psychology of the "other person" how someone can feel good about themselves, doing these things. Is there something I'm missing? Maybe I'm just a naive person in wanting to think that human beings are basically good.

Thank you so much,

Thank you so much, Unregistered Kate! I've been scrolling through these comments trying to figure out exactly why something about them just doesn't sit right with me, and you said it perfectly. Liking sex and going after it? Great! Hurting someone else in the process is a completely different story. Endorsing cruel or insensitive behavior towards others in the name of feminism is exactly the opposite. Especially since kindness and love and consideration could be said to be the (very very VERY simplified) basis of feminism itself. Thanks a bunch!

This article is not

This article is not generalizable to homosexual relationships. Sluts come in male and female form, as well as heterosexual and homosexual.....

As a guy I can't speak for my

As a guy I can't speak for my entire gender but I generally wouldn't be scared of by a "slut." For example I once met a girl in a club and slept with her that same night and we ended up dating. I think personality is far more important if the relationship suceeds than the point at which you have sex. What is important to me is that once we start dating that she obviously doesn't sleep with other guys.

fuck that

I don't like demonizing women, or men, but to say that no women are whores and no one deserves to be ostracized for behaving badly is childish. My husband loves me, I am sure of that, and I don't believe he would ever cheat. But if some girl pursued him, whether they did anything or not, I would call her every name in the book and do whatever I could to shame her. Because, fuck that. Anyone who tries to act like sluts don't exist and don't deserve to be defined as what they probably are (attention seeking girls with no self-esteem and no decent relationships) is an idiot. I'll call a girl a slut if I damn well please and I'll do what I can to get in her way if she attacks my marriage.


What makes you think that if a woman has been promiscuous she that she wants to attack your marriage? They're are plenty of promiscuous women that are against home wreckers.

The fact is that we shouldn't

The fact is that we shouldn't be comparing ourselves to locks and keys. Very childish. If you can't see beyond her sexuality, whatever it may be, then you are not dating material for a woman.

I would never date you,

I would never date you, Brody, because you are a slut with a poor dating/sexual history. Literally. I don't care what you look like or now "nice" a person you think yourself to be. If I knew that this was what you do to other people, I would avoid you like the plague.

You'll never get married, Brody, so I hope it's not among your goals. Please make sure you're using condoms; sluts are infamous for not doing so.

Virginity in a man is great by me, Brody. Please do not speak for everyone; you have no authority to do so.

The "stud" view of slutty men is dead. Men who sleep around and use women are sluts, and poor choices for a relationship.

I wouldn't touch you with someone else's vagina, Brody.

Women complain about how

Women complain about how unfair it is that men are called studs when they sleep around, yet women get called sluts for the exact same behavior. It’s actually not a double standard though, because both scenarios are pretty different in terms of circumstances and consequences. I can think of at least four crucial differences:

First, sleeping around is easier for women. Regardless of how you feel about promiscuity, we can all agree that a guy who manages to rack up a lot of sexual partners has to have some skills. It’s challenging for men to rack up partners, even for men with low standards. A man needs social intelligence, interpersonal skills, persistence, thick skin, and plain old dumb luck. For women, though, a vagina and a pulse is often enough. Whenever an accomplishment requires absolutely no challenge, no one respects it. It’s just viewed as a lack of self-discipline. People respect those who accomplish challenging feats, while they consider those who overindulge in easily obtained feats as weak, untrustworthy or flawed.

Second, women have potential to do more harm by sleeping around than men do. Say a man sleeps around with a bunch of different women. He’s definitely doing harm to these women if he pretends to be monogamous while sleeping around. He may cause them emotional pain by his promiscuity. He may cause unwanted pregnancy. He may spread VD. When women sleep around, however, they can cause not only all these same ill effects but one additional crucial ill effect: the risk of unknown parentage.

If one guy sleeps around with five women, each of whom is monogamous to him, and they all get pregnant, it’s a safe bet as to who the father is. If you reverse genders and have one woman who sleeps around with five men who are monogamous to her, and she gets pregnant, the father could be any of the five men. And if one of those men is tricked into raising a baby that isn’t his, he’s investing time, money, estate and property to provide for a child that isn’t carrying his DNA into the next generations, a costly mistake from an evolutionary standpoint.

Our two basic primal drives are to survive and to reproduce, and promiscuous women traditionally make it hard for a man to know for sure whether he is truly reproducing or is secretly raising another man’s child. Men stand a lot more to lose from promiscuous women than the other way around. And it’s no picnic for the child to not know who his real father is either. And it’s a mess for the women carrying on the deception as well. Or just look at any random episode of the Maury show if you don’t believe me.

Since the DNA test and the birth control pill didn’t exist until recently, there were no reliable ways to prevent pregnancy or prove parentage for most of human history. For this reason society developed a vested interest in preventing promiscuity among women, and society accomplished this by creating the slut stigma. And even though the creation of birth control and DNA tests have made this less of a risk than the past, longstanding traditions and customs are not easy for society to break so the slut stigma remains.

Third, men have evolutionary reasons to be programmed to sleep around more. A lot of women roll their eyes when they hear that men are “hard-wired” to sleep around. But from an evolutionary standpoint, it makes total sense. If the two primal drives of humans are to survive and to reproduce, nothing leads to maximum reproduction like one man sleeping with multiple women. If one women sleeps with many men in a nine month period, she can only get pregnant just once. Nine months of rampant promiscuity would give the same result as nine months of highly sexed monogamy: one pregnancy. Now if one man sleeps with many women during a nine month period, you can get many pregnancies during that period. The more women he sleeps with, the more possible pregnancies.

So from an evolutionary standpoint, there are concrete advantages to men being promiscuous compared to women being promiscuous. This doesn’t mean that women have evolved to be strictly monogamous. Women have evolved to be somewhat promiscuous too, something men badly underestimate. However they haven’t evolved to be as rampantly promiscuous as men.

Fourth, promiscuity poses more risk to women than to men. A woman has more to lose from choosing bad sex partners than a man does. She’s the one who gets stuck with going through a pregnancy and taking care of a baby alone if she chooses a deadbeat. For this reason, promiscuous women throughout history have historically been viewed as being a vastly more irresponsible risk takers than promiscuous men, who rightly or wrongly could always run away from the consequences of unwanted pregnancies easier than women could.

These four reasons explain why the longstanding tradition came about of men being rewarded for multiple partners while women get socially punished for similar promiscuity. Of course all this is gradually changing, but we’re up against millenia of evolutionary and cultural conditioning here, so don’t expect any dramatic overnight reversals.

Understand that I’m just explaining why the double standard came into existence and not condoning or condemning it. This is not an attempt to pass judgment or be self-righteous in any way. It’s just an explanation of why the two conditions are treated differently.

More slutsplaining from

More slutsplaining from sluts, being a slut shows what kind of person you are it isn't seperate from your personality, and what kind of woman would want a slut hating man, maybe one who likes there men to have standards that go beyond a woman's sexual capabilities and how she exploits her own sexuality for personal gain, and instead looks at her from a an actual substantive view. Sluts are women who have little to offer but sex which is why they offer it so much. As far as sex out of a relationship it all correlates with the success of marriage but maybe men shouldn't protect themselves from selfish slutty women. So go ahead test the waters fuck all the men you can in the end you realized you wanted to be with guy #16 but hes gone and now you're thirty something and no one sees the value in your body anymore and all the substance you lack shows up like your god damned crows feet. Enjoy sluts, everyday more and more women who abused their sexuality at a young age grow old alone and they always blame men never themselves as if they were entitled to love.

It must get you so angry that

It must get you so angry that this is the furthest thing from the truth. Sluttly women always marry manly men because these men realize their own value when they can get this type of woman to commit to them. Any man can get a little goody two shoes to commit. That's easy. Now, a man who can get a woman whose been around to commit herself to him? He's da man yo! That's a real man!

"Getting a woman to commit"

"Getting a woman to commit" isn't a thing you fucking cunt. It's like a woman bragging that she "nailed" a guy. WOMEN are the ones supposed to "get a guy to commit". Guess who is more successful in getting high value men to commit: not the sperm receptacles that had a dozen of same night lays with some random jackoff in toilet stall of a club.

If a "high value man" is a

If a "high value man" is a man like yourself, who calls random people he does not know "fucking cunts", who believes relationships are games in which women try to trap men like flies into marriage, who believes in a rigid, 1950s style, definition of gender, then no thank you. I'll take my apparently "low value" man who respects me for my mind and personality, who does not believe my worth as a human being is connected in anyway to the number of sexual partners I have had and who would NEVER view a woman (or for that matter a gay man) as a "sperm receptacle".

This might make you feel

This might make you feel good, but it is totally false. Men that have their pick do not typically choose to commit to women that were promiscuous. This is just a brute fact that walking around with your eyes and ears open for a few decades will teach anyone.

More "manosphere" losers I see...

We're all "leftovers" my dear - we've all had sex, been married and divorced - except for the socially awkward creatures of the "manosphere" who have never had sex and are bitter towards those that do. You men are narcissistic, oversensitive and constantly project your personal opinions onto every man who exists. You overrate and overestimate yourselves to compensate for your low self esteem.

Here's some truth for you: Most manosphere men never get married or have children. And society is reeling with joy from that fact.

And if you are all truly happy, then why are you on the Internet name calling and whining all the time?

Thank you for writing this

Thank you for writing this article. I am an openly gay man, and I have always thought sluttier was a terrible word. I have always used it to describe myself, because I'd like for people to respect each other and let each other get laid. But recently I had very strong feelings for someone. And when I told him that I had slept with someone else he never forgave me, understandably. I felt terrible and I had never done any thing like that before, and I confessed out of guilt. I thought he would understand and I thought it would strengthen our relationship. But I was wrong. That was maybe two or three years ago. I still have not gotten over how he made me feel by calling me a slut. I have not had satisfying sex since.

Just think twice before you call someone names especially out of anger. It is a very immature thing to do, and you don't know the damage you could do.

Good luck finding someone who

Good luck finding someone who doesn't have a past. Some of us don't ever tell, and some of us lie outright, and you'll never suspect a thing. ;) Most men don't even ask about that, but then, this is the Internet - the men posting about such topics as "sluts" are the ones who are judgmental, overly picky and therefore having a ton of trouble finding a mate.

And figuring yourself out sooner does not imply intelligence. There are many intelligent people who choose to sleep around. Intelligence and sexual self esteem do not go hand in hand.

I suggest relaxing your standards a bit, just for the sake of adapting to reality. You will be much happier if you do, and much more successful in love.

Someone may have already said

Someone may have already said this, I did not read all the comments, but my favorite response to "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" is "why buy the pig when all you want is some sausage".

Slut cannot be reclaimed

Why would we want to own a word like slut? Why not choose to own words that have nothing to do with sex? Why not own the word “Independent” or” Strong” or “Empowered” ? Especially knowing that females in patriarchy are by male design considered to be the sex class? Especially knowing that when it comes to talking about female liberation or equality we always end up debating and actively fighting each other about sex. Why?? Why do we focus on our sex? Are we not human beings? Because we are conditioned to believe females are nothing more than sex, our male prescribed role in patriarchy, we get caught in the trap of arguing about sex like it is the only thing that matters when it comes to being female. This conditioning is extremely evident in feminism and it has divided feminists into opposing groups that actively fight each other, the sex positives, the liberal feminists and the radical feminists.

The sex positives and liberal feminists are focused on claiming the word slut and the sex trade in an effort to claim empowerment. This unfortunately is a trap. It keeps them fighting for the right to like sexually pleasing men, a right that they already have in abundance, instead of on liberation and equality. This is a male wet dream. Not only does this keep women divided against each other, it also keeps women in their place as the sex class. Men created the gender roles of male and female and it was by their design that females were conditioned to serve men sexually and otherwise. In patriarchy, women are considered to be sex, not human beings who matter for their own sake. Men on the other hand are human beings that matter for their own sake. When it comes to talking about men, we don’t get stuck in debating about their sexual preferences. So why are we allowing sex to divide us as feminists? Why do we get caught in the sex trap?

When we focus on reclaiming the word slut and on the sex trades pros and cons we fight each other and lose sight of female empowerment and equality which for the most part has nothing to do with sex. Sex does not = female empowerment, just like sex does not = male empowerment. Sex is just a small aspect of who we are as women and sex is the one role that men have forced us into. Men and unfortunately most women, have been programed to believe that women are the sex class. That women are sex. That women are sex objects. So if women are sex in patriarchy and women are fighting to break the chains of patriarchal conditioning and male designed gender roles, how can we do this by claiming to own or like what we are fighting to break out of? When we fight for the right to claim the word slut and claim the sex trade as our own, are we not essentially fighting to be what men have already designed us to be in patriarchy? Are we not playing right into the hands of our oppressors? Shouldn’t we instead focus our female energy on becoming autonomous & powerful so that we can celebrate and express our strengths as human beings?

well said qwerty

Very well said qwerty. The only females that will agree to this are ones that can admit when wrong and one that are worth committing to, which are usually in the same group. Thanks for your post.

I would like to add that against this good advice, i had previously tried to commit to a slut. All the things you mentioned came true, very emotionally unstable, impossible communication barriers. I learned the hard way, gave it a chance, and I am glad it is over.

So true. Sluts are completely

So true. Sluts are completely emotionally unstable.
While it is possible to make them faithful, that requires a lit of effort, the rerun on investment is just not worth it. Being faithful should be the standard, not the exception. Also when a slut admits she is one, and says things like "I chose you", please realize that they are basically asking you for a green card to stay in touch with their list of boys, which they will eventually bed again. Last and not leas, sluts also think that men are by default players, so they will have a hard time trusting you even if you are not. On top of that, they are totally crazy, if you show them signs that you are hundred percent loyal, they will dump you. And if you show them signs that you might not be, they will cheat. It is just a lose lose situation. Please please take my word for it, if she is a slut, change your phone number and run away. Crazy people dont change. Miracles are interesting, but they just don't happen. Run forest run

It's interesting. There is a

It's interesting. There is a group of people that spend all their time coming up with ways not to recognize differences in the sexes/genders and not recognizing that there are in fact trade-offs in life, including when it comes to behavior. You would like a world in which a woman can spend their twenties being gangbanged in hotel rooms and men would not bat an eye, it would be equivalent to a man so desirable that the entire Dallas Cowboy's cheerleading squad passed him around like a toy at a party. It will never happen. There are in fact two different things. Men and women are different and so we have different expectations. You cannot always have your cake and eat it to. What you want will never actually come to fruition, you will just get some guys to give it lip service and you can write a million blog posts about it.

I see the irony, because I

I see the irony, because I mispelled. But my keys stick. Kind of like your legs, glued together -