From the reader mailbag: Curious to know what you and Bitch readers think about threesomes. I tried a threesome, and feelings got hurt just like I’d feared they might. I think you gotta be very sure there’s no competition between the three, and everyone really is into it (probably obvious, but you know…)
She’s certainly not alone in her curiosity. In my dating life I seem to encounter a lot of guys who are not shy about hinting—or just plain asking outright—that they would like to have a threesome with another woman. And apparently they are in good company:
“Threesomes are undoubtedly the new ‘Holy Grail’ of sex,” says Vicki Vantoch, author of The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to Sleeping with Three (Thunder’s Mouth Press). “Most people have either had a three-way or thought about it. Yes, even women.” (ed: because all women are vanilla and only men have kinks? FAIL.) A recent ABC poll ranked threesomes as the most popular fantasy in America.”
Porn is rife with depictions of FFM threesomes, which at least partially explains straight mens’ enthusiasm for them. If mainstream studio porn is all about women performing on men strictly for the man’s enjoyment, two women performning on men strictly for their enjoyment is twice as nice! It’s hard to find a mainstream porn flick these days that doesn’t feature at least one obligatory FFM threesome. (Yes, I’m blaming porn for influencing sexual behavior again. Flame me in the comments if you must). When so much threesome porn is out there, it’s no wonder that people–male and female–are curious. But you might want to look before you leap.
Sex advice columnist Dan Savage calls them a “minefield” and says of threesomes:
“Although threesomes, for example, can sometimes “just happen” (often when three young people “just happen” to get drunk), most threesomes require some advance planning (particularly when adults want to have them). Finding the third, vetting the third, establishing the ground rules, talking about safety, etc.—all of that requires advance planning.”
This strikes me as excellent advice. Spontaneity is great, but rarely practical. I’ve happily participated in a couple FFM threesomes. Out of respect for the other parties, I will not overshare here. Suffice it to say totally agree with the reader who wrote in when she says that it’s important to be sure everyone is really into it and that jealousy issues have been worked out ahead of time (or that the other two parties are not in a relationship and you’re all free agents looking for a good time).
Unfortunately, while FFM threesomes are the Holy Grail for straight guys, MMF ones are not. You do see MMF in porn, but in mainstream porn MMF threesomes are often a rather creepy, vaguely gang rape-y scenario with two men ignoring each other and taking turns on one woman who wears the usual slightly bored or fake-excited porn expression. I have found amateur threesome porn with two men focusing on a woman’s pleasure (or pausing to get it on with each other), and it’s very exciting. But your average dudely hetero porn studio isn’t going to go there. And neither are many hetero guys. Every time I say, “Okay, we can do it with another woman, and then can we get it on with another guy?,” the threesome-lovin’ dudes start backpedalling so fast they kick up a dust cloud. OMG, you mean being around another dude’s hard cock?! The inherent homophobia and double standard–two women, sexy! Two men, eww, gay!—irritates the shit out of me.
Dan Savage seems to think that the best way to make my MMF threesome fantasies come true is for me to, well, become a gay man. When a straight reader asked sex advice columnist Dan Savage about FFM threesomes, he responded:
“I’ve neglected threesomes cause they’re about as controversial as brunch plans for us gay guys…What can I say? For every straight couple out there arguing about threesomes, there are 10 gay couples having them.”
Not helpful advice for his straight readers…but hey, congratulations to all those gay couple who aren’t “arguing about threesomes.” I don’t think that straight couples should be arguing over it either. If there’s a chance feelings are going to get hurt or one person is going to feel pressured or jealous, don’t do it (also true for just about every sexual situation). Otherwise, enjoy.