Oh, hey, it's Halloween everybody! Halloween, of course, is the holiday when we celebrate terror, goofy outfits, and bad life decisions made at parties that get ever-so-slightly out-of hand. I'm sure lots of you will be celebrating this sacred day with "costumes" and "parties" and "actually leaving the house." But, as for me - having failed, for the second year in a row now, to assemble a sufficiently creepy Dov Charney costume (BEHOLD THE TRUE FACE OF FEAR*) - I will be celebrating by "blogging." And I invite you to celebrate with me! Put down your various judgment-impeding beverages, leave your friends behind, and join me, on this guided Internet tour of POP-RELATED CELEBRITY HORROR. Featuring:
LADY GAGA as... THE FACE OF HUMAN TRAFFICKING!
Yes, it's true! Lady Gaga's forthcoming "Bad Romance" video will, apparently, be a story about her being "trafficked into sex slavery." Because human trafficking is a concept that can be effectively dramatized and commented upon in a music video for a song whose lyrics are primarily composed of trenchant observations such as "ba ba ba ma ma ba ba oh la la ba ba."
You know, I'm kind of glad that Lady Gaga is willing to go big? But here is the thing: human trafficking is real and widespread and scary enough that your options for putting it in a music video are (a) a sexyfun, sensationalized, Lady Gaga-esque take on the matter, which would trivialize the number of women who are actually sold or abducted and raped, and would therefore be hugely offensive, or (b) a self-serious, reverent, "Runaway Train" PSA-esque take, which would be hugely boring. And I could be wrong: the video could prove to be awesome. But if I know Gaga, she's probably not going to go for "boring." "Hugely offensive," on the other hand, she could probably do. HORRORS!
CHRIS BROWN as... A GUY WHO IS STILL CONVINCED HE HAS A CAREER!
Yeah, he has a new video out, apparently. It is for "I Can Transform Ya," and he (wait for it) transforms into a car, a fire truck, and someone who relies on Lil Wayne to make his song even slightly interesting. Maybe not in that order. The song is about how he will turn you, a human lady, into a car or something, and then Lil Wayne will have sex with you. Probably not while you are a car. And apparently no one stepped in, in the middle of the dazzling genius explosion that is the Chris Brown creative process, to point out that an entire song equating ladies with fancy possessions might not be the best choice for him. And, worst of all, at no point does Chris Brown transform into what we are all hoping he will become, A Guy Who Will Just Go The Hell Away. HORRORS!
TAYLOR SWIFT as... A GIRL IN A WHITE DRESS (NOT THAT THERE COULD CONCEIVABLY BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT, EVER)!
You know, there has been kind of a huff around this little photo, but I simply don't see anything wrong with it. Not a single thing! Taylor Swift (an Appropriate Role Model for our times) simply happened to attend Katy Perry's birthday party, because she was apparently uninformed that meeting her alternate-universe doppelganger would cause the entire Madonna/whore spectrum to collapse in on itself, potentially causing some sort of rift in the space/time continuum. And it simply happened to be a party at which all guests were required to wear white (at last! A moment for TAYLOR TO SHINE) and to paint whatever their hearts desired on the white clothing. And then she painted "JH" on her white dress!
It means "Julianne Hough," of course; in fact, I can't see any reason why anyone might think it could mean anything else. I mean, "JH," "Julianne Hough"; the connection is so intuitive as to be self-evident.
And THEN, Taylor - kind soul that she is - elected to stand next to this nice young man, and to have a photo taken with him! Without even looking at his shirt! Like, AT ALL. Her rep has explained that Taylor "didn't realize what was on his shirt," and sure, you might THINK that would be literally impossible, seeing as how it is large and bright red and also a swastika, but, you know, Taylor Swift actually suffers from a little-known malady known as "shirt blindness," which prohibits her from actually knowing what is on ANYONE's shirt at any time. ANYONE. EVER. AT ALL. No matter how large or bright red or alarmingly racist the thing on your shirt might be, Taylor Swift simply CANNOT SEE IT.
But Taylor is just so nice that she stood next to this gentleman's shirt and got her photo taken with it ANYWAY! Because, you know, who just refuses to hang out with, put their arms around, and take photos with people who think it's cool to paint big, bright red pro-genocidal insignia on their shirts? Jerks, probably! And Taylor is not a jerk, she is nice. Although, it is imperative to note, she did this without knowing what was on the shirt! Because Taylor Swift doesn't see shirts, she sees people. And even if she could see shirts, modesty prohibits her from ever gazing below a dude's neck. The portion of the body below the neck? That's the DEVIL's body portion! With or without a swastika on it! And what is this "swastika" of which you speak, anyway? Taylor Swift doesn't even know what swastikas are! They're not a part of her good clean down-home values, y'all! So Taylor Swift certainly didn't see any swastika! On the shirt! Which was on the dude! That she got her photo taken with! Whose shirt she didn't see!
Way to go, Taylor! Good Role Modeling! That'll teach us not to judge people by the number of large bright red swastikas on their t-shirts!
You know, you guys, I realize that I promised you HORROR! But I realize that all I've come up with, in this case, is yet another case of Taylor Swift being AWESOME and totally not an appropriate target for criticism by anyone, ever, in the history of the world. Look at her, being all nice to the dude in the
swastika Unidentified Friendship Symbol t-shirt! Awww. TAYLOR!
* This True Face of Fear is slightly out-of-date, I know. For a more topical True Face of Fear, I should probably be Tucker Max. The problems with this, of course, are twofold: I am not a puffy-faced little goblin, and I kind of worry that Tucker Max, much like Beetlejuice, will actually materialize if you say his name three times in a row. Which would make explaining the costume a risky proposition.